Sunday, February 27, 2011

Dispatch from the Beluga Slim Fitness Center: Waddling Through February

The blower sparked. Dolly-girl was right on it seeing as how she'd been talking Long Distance to Inebriata Beech about this and that. "Yallow. Yep. Yep. And a howdy-do right back at you. Hold the line. I'll get him. JACK, it's Professor Javier Boleyn--he wants to talk to you." Jeesh, this could only be bad news for me.

"I'm with you, Professor, Jack D'Mestiere here. In the flesh..." I knew I shouldn't have said it as soon as I heard me say it. Talk about stepping into it.

"Yes, and still too much flesh, Jackie-boy. But we'll get to that shortly."



"Are you near a computer, LARD!-butt--I mean Jackie-boy?" "I am, Professor." "Good, log in to your personal page at http://2stepduhdiet.com." "I have a personal page?" "Of course, Jackie-boy. I provide all the latest expected services, even though people don't need them, nor do they use them once they have them. Are you there?" "It's asking me for a UserID and password." "Jackieboy, no hyphen, and LARDbGONE, all caps except the b." "OK, I'm there. Wow, what's that map?" "That, Jackie-boy, is a plot of all the walking you did in February--well, it doesn't show two walks while you were on travel, but they were insubstantial. I must say, Jackie-boy, you walked a lot this month. 98.02 miles, to be exact! Congratulations, you really did 'Move More', one of the two critical steps."



"Wow, Professor, how do you do this?" "Space age technology, my child. I know your every movement thanks to the Transpond-r-Nuts (® Boleyn Enterprises) that I have Fiora slip into the bag of tamari almonds you keep at hand. Thankfully, you generally gobble them down so quickly you don't bother to chew--molars can be harsh on the little gadgets. Yes, Jackie-boy, the Boleyn's-Eye-View (® Boleyn Enterprises) satellite cluster records your location, pin-pointed by GPS and maps it using a patented Google Earth (® Google, Inc.) based application, Where's My LARD! (® Boleyn Enterprises). I see you waddled by a freezing fountain at NW 10th and Everett--isn't that the Lawrence Gallery (© Lawrence Gallery)? That's a coincidence..."



He continued, "Now, speaking of LARD!, how goes it? You're still looking a bit like a fluffed up gull on a cold day." "Well, I, er, I, um, er, I lost about 5 pounds of LARD! in February." I waited for the inevitable... "Well, I echo the words of Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD, Jackie-boy. Good Start. Keep it up. You'll get there. And, by the way, now's a good time to pay your monthly membership fee. I accept PayPal (Copyright © 1999-2011 PayPal. All rights reserved.) at http://2stepduhdiet.com



"Oh, by the way, your Cap-Corder (® Boleyn Enterprises) recorded this little number while documenting a distinct increase in the pace of your waddle. Care to enlighten me?" "First glimpse of Radio Room (®©™ Radio Room), of course." "Groan. Keep it up LARD!-ass. I'll be calling again soon."

Dispatch from the Beluga Slim Fitness Center: Waddling Through February

The blower sparked. Dolly-girl was right on it seeing as how she'd been talking Long Distance to Inebriata Beech about this and that. "Yallow. Yep. Yep. And a howdy-do right back at you. Hold the line. I'll get him. JACK, it's Professor Javier Boleyn--he wants to talk to you." Jeesh, this could only be bad news for me.

"I'm with you, Professor, Jack D'Mestiere here. In the flesh..." I knew I shouldn't have said it as soon as I heard me say it. Talk about stepping into it.

"Yes, and still too much flesh, Jackie-boy. But we'll get to that shortly."



"Are you near a computer, LARD!-butt--I mean Jackie-boy?" "I am, Professor." "Good, log in to your personal page at http://2stepduhdiet.com." "I have a personal page?" "Of course, Jackie-boy. I provide all the latest expected services, even though people don't need them, nor do they use them once they have them. Are you there?" "It's asking me for a UserID and password." "Jackieboy, no hyphen, and LARDbGONE, all caps except the b." "OK, I'm there. Wow, what's that map?" "That, Jackie-boy, is a plot of all the walking you did in February--well, it doesn't show two walks while you were on travel, but they were insubstantial. I must say, Jackie-boy, you walked a lot this month. 98.02 miles, to be exact! Congratulations, you really did 'Move More', one of the two critical steps."



"Wow, Professor, how do you do this?" "Space age technology, my child. I know your every movement thanks to the Transpond-r-Nuts (® Boleyn Enterprises) that I have Fiora slip into the bag of tamari almonds you keep at hand. Thankfully, you generally gobble them down so quickly you don't bother to chew--molars can be harsh on the little gadgets. Yes, Jackie-boy, the Boleyn's-Eye-View (® Boleyn Enterprises) satellite cluster records your location, pin-pointed by GPS and maps it using a patented Google Earth (® Google, Inc.) based application, Where's My LARD! (® Boleyn Enterprises). I see you waddled by a freezing fountain at NW 10th and Everett--isn't that the Lawrence Gallery (© Lawrence Gallery)? That's a coincidence..."



He continued, "Now, speaking of LARD!, how goes it? You're still looking a bit like a fluffed up gull on a cold day." "Well, I, er, I, um, er, I lost about 5 pounds of LARD! in February." I waited for the inevitable... "Well, I echo the words of Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD, Jackie-boy. Good Start. Keep it up. You'll get there. And, by the way, now's a good time to pay your monthly membership fee. I accept PayPal (Copyright © 1999-2011 PayPal. All rights reserved.) at http://2stepduhdiet.com



"Oh, by the way, your Cap-Corder (® Boleyn Enterprises) recorded this little number while documenting a distinct increase in the pace of your waddle. Care to enlighten me?" "First glimpse of Radio Room (®©™ Radio Room), of course." "Groan. Keep it up LARD!-ass. I'll be calling again soon."

Monday, February 21, 2011

Waddling in Disgust: America's Collective Intelligence

I heard Dolly-girl at her computer. "Harumph!" "What?" "Wha-the? Double HARUMPH!" "What's it, Dolly-girl?" As soon as I said it I knew I should't-a said it. "You know I don't like that name. I know YOU think of me as that name, but I'm Fiora, which is a perfectly good name and now you've got other people calling me that name too."



"OK, OK, Fi-OR-a. But what's got your Vics in a knot? It's not being called Dolly-girl--oops, I mean that name." "It's this, Jack. Did you see this? This makes me gag and hurry to book an exodus from these United States of America. Just look here, it says, based on some sort of poll of idiots--I mean Americans--that Ronald Reagan is considered by Americans to be the greatest of the presidents." "Hmmm, it also says George W. Bush is in the top 10..." "Oh, puleeezzzze. Hello, Azumano Travel?"


© probably politicsdaily.com




I figured I'd better get out of the house while the getting was good. "Headed out on shanks mare to waddle some LARD! off the bones, Dol...Fiora. See you in a couple." "HARUMPH!" Besides, I had my own harumphing to do--while cleaning up computer files, I'd come across a previous War on LARD! There have been many in my life. The last one began on February 6, 2000 and by July of that year, I had almost reached my goal of 2 pails of LARD! lost. I didn't think of it as LARD! then--I think I was thinking of it as sacks of water softener salt...



It was a nice spring day so I set out with a lilting gait--wait, when anyone is still carrying as much LARD! as Jack D'Mestiere, there is no such thing as lilting. OK, Take 2. It was a nice spring day so I set out with my normal lumbering gait to see what I could see.

First up? Flowers. Yep, it's spring in Stumptown even if it's not in other parts of the country, such as the east, where Libretto and Anna-Maria are freezing their pitoots off, what ever a pitoot is.
© Accuweather, I'm guessing






I always keep my eye open for likely spots that could provide shelter in case of nuclear attack, earthquake, volcanic eruption, or other major disaster that would lead me to want to stop waddling and start drinking. Wait, it hardly takes a natural disaster to do that! This particular joint, along with a very clever name, had a sign me and Dolly-girl (she's back home so I can call her that now) like to see. You see, we take an active interest in the "yoot of 'Merica" and believe that there's nothing they can learn by hanging out with us, the "non-yoot." But, most "yoot", and based on that poll Dolly-girl was HARUMPHING! about, most of the rest of 'Merica would look at the sign and say, "I ain't no minor, I work above ground."





Next up, a store front that got a guffaw out of old Jack. You see, Inebriata, our bowling buddy, sometimes uses a false moniker of Leslie and there was a time, oh, say a few weeks ago, when Les reminded us that she could sure make parties happen...Now, I'm not claiming in any way, shape, or form that Dolly-girl, me, and Cuco weren't in on it, but Inebriata, now that gal can make a party happen!





Finally, I filed this away for future reference as you never know that if Jack would somehow manage to land a case, D'Mestiere Investigations might need a sub-contractor to do some of the more, what should we say, competent work? Clever name, again.
7.78 miles after I left, and after a stop at the Radio Room to wet a whistle that was in serious need of wetting, I opened the door to "HARUMPH!"


PS, Doll--I mean Fiora--and I went out for a stroll this afternoon, adding another 2.45 miles for a grand total of, let's see, 8 and 5 are 13, carry 1, 7 and 4 are 11 and 1 is 12, carry one, 7 and 2 is none cary 1, that's 10.23 miles...

Saturday, February 19, 2011

A Sunny Saturday in Stumptown: Willfully Waddling for Weight Loss

"With the sun beating down like this in February, Dolly-girl, I just gotta get out for an extendo-waddle. You know, a Beluga Slim Special! I'll see you at Radio Room at 3!" "I'll be there or I'll be square, daddy-o! Take your blower, Jack, in case I decide I need you to pick something up at my dealer's place when you walk by." Dolly-girl's developed an addiction.

I took off and wound my way around here and there. I stopped by a guy's I know, name of Fred. Got some ink for the monk that prints out Dolly-girl's verses.




I made it to Dolly-girl's dealer in not too long an order. What I call Fiora's Crack Dealer, others know as Kettleman's Bagels. Kettleman's has the real thing--a real New York bagel. By the time I got there, it was too late. I poked my head in the door. "She's already been here, Jack. I know, she's outta control, but there was no stoppin' her on the 2-fer and a couple of cans of schmear. She was outta here like a shot--said she was headed home to do one quick." "Thanks, Pal-o-Mine--I know where to find her, curled up in a corner, drooling..."




I waddled on, giving Dolly-girl time to come down before I called her. People were out playing softball in the sun. It made me feel good to know that the National Pastime's time is just around the corner.







Speaking of corners, at least from time to time, I got to pause and take a breather. When you waddle at the rate I try to maintain, it's good to see the light go from Walk to Weight, I mean Wait, so as I can have a little break.
Finally, I was closing in on my goal. I saw Dolly-girl down the street with that look she only gets after she's toasted a half an Everything and slathered it. She was weaving like a Charleston basket-maker.









We went in and i ordered a coupla tall, cold ones. I could tell she was starting to come down, but I knew Sunday morning would see her up early, digging in her bag, and hovering over the toaster.

Me, I had them hit it again, knowing that there was no way to live with someone whose got the taste that bad. She was already jonesing--"Maybe tomorrow it will be an onion with a salmon schmear..." The good news for me? Rack up an 8.98 mile waddle!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Dispatch from the Beluga Slim Fitness Center: Going & 11th Could be a Geaux for the Devereaux

Ever since I decided to join the Beluga Slim Fitness Center ©2011 D'Mestiere Investigations, daily exercise has become inviolate. Believe it or not, my motivation is even enhanced since I invented Shanks Mare Realty ©2011 D'Mestiere Investigations. Today was no exception. Dolly-girl handed me an order to fill at the grocers and I was off.






While waddling along, I spied this at the corner of Going and NE 11th. It has a great AASDF--Alberta Arts Striking Distance Factor ©2011 Shanks Mare Realty and D'Mestiere Investigations --of 8.76 (where 1 is far away or within the nuisance factor) and 10 is 6 blocks away, meaning that you get some exercise going there. Its Radio Room Quotient ©2011 Shanks Mare Realty and D'Mestiere Investigations --Time in minutes it takes to walk to Radio Room/Time in minutes it takes to consume a beer-- is 0.25 which is outstanding. Now, I don't know the details other than someone is trying to sell it and there's an open house tomorrow, but it's a place I could see Claudette and Delancy setting their brake.



Anyway, today I was good. I waddled 4.1 miles. Unfortunately, I forgot my water bottle ;) so I had to stop along the way. I sidled up to the bar in a joint--an unfamiliar movement for me. "Could I just get a glass of water?" "Sorry, we're out." "Club soda?" "Don't carry it." "Tonic?" Do I look British?" "Wail, I'm sooo thirsty." "Well, in front of you stands a DTM." "DTM?" "Doctor of Thirst Mitigation. May I be of service?" "Well, Doc, I know you aren't Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD, but what's your prescription?"

He looked me up and down, headed to his work area, and was back in a flash. "Rx: IPA x H2O" "Whatha?" "An innovative and pleasant alternative to water. Thanks for having your prescription filled at Radio Room!"

Dispatch from the Beluga Slim Fitness Center: Going & 11th Could be a Geaux for the Devereaux

Ever since I decided to join the Beluga Slim Fitness Center ©2011 D'Mestiere Investigations, daily exercise has become inviolate. Believe it or not, my motivation is even enhanced since I invented Shanks Mare Realty ©2011 D'Mestiere Investigations. Today was no exception. Dolly-girl handed me an order to fill at the grocers and I was off.






While waddling along, I spied this at the corner of Going and NE 11th. It has a great AASDF--Alberta Arts Striking Distance Factor ©2011 Shanks Mare Realty and D'Mestiere Investigations--of 8.76 (where 1 is far away or within the nuisance factor) and 10 is 6 blocks away, meaning that you get some exercise going there. It's Radio Room Quotient ©2011 Shanks Mare Realty and D'Mestiere Investigations --Time in minutes it takes to walk to Radio Room/Time in minutes it takes to consume a beer--is 0.25 which is outstanding. Now, I don't know the details other than someone is trying to sell it and there's an open house tomorrow, but it's a place I could see Claudette and Delancy setting their brake.



Anyway, today I was good. I waddled 4.1 miles. Unfortunately, I forgot my water bottle ;) so I had to stop along the way. I sidled up to the bar in a joint--an unfamiliar movement for me. "Could I just get a glass of water?" "Sorry, we're out." "Club soda?" "Don't carry it." "Tonic?" Do I look British?" "Wail, I'm sooo thirsty." "Well, in front of you stands a DTM." "DTM?" "Doctor of Thirst Mitigation. May I be of service?" "Well, Doc, I know you aren't Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD, but what's your prescription?"

He looked me up and down, headed to his work area, and was back in a flash. "Rx: IPA x H2O" "Whatha?" "An innovative and pleasant alternative to water. Thanks for having your prescription filled at Radio Room!"

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Dispatch from Stevenson, Washington : Waddling to Walking Man

Stevenson doesn't have a heck of a lot to recommend it. The Empire Builder
runs through town. There's a feedbag or two. And, there's the Walking Man
brewery. Best beer in Washington. One of the best there is. And I got to
walk here. Waddling Towards Fitness the Beluga Slim Way!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Unlikely Allies in the War on LARD!: The Devereauxs and Radio Room

There was good news at the scale today, so I reviewed what I did yesterday to lead to that good news today. Two unlikely things clicked. As some know, friends of me and Fiora's are cogitating on moving up here to Stumptown from down The Valley. Me and her are all for Dixie and Delancy Devereaux getting their bumpki up here ASAP. And, as others know, Jack, in the form of me, myself, and I, have been waging a War on LARD! since August 1 of the last year. I speculated recently that I could couple the Beluga Slim Motivational Program with Professor Javier Boleyn's patented 2-Step DUH! Diet to achieve the results I seek by, in essence, Waddling for Beer. Well, tonight it hit me while I was rewarding myself for a successful day at the feed bag AND a 3.72 mile waddle (that's 393.98 calories burned, by the way). I invented Shanks Mare Realty. I will search neighborhoods for suitable housing for the Devereauxs while waddling for beer, thus Waddling Towards Happiness!