Waddling Towards Fitness: The old one-two from Professor Javier Boleyn

I don't know why it should surprise me that, as I settled into my seat at the Stumptown Ticker Clinic, my blower started buzzing like those dozen hornets that latched onto Fiora last summer and followed her right into the house. When a hornet gets hold of you, they don't let go. "Hello, Jack D'Mestiere on the line; D'Mestiere Investigations; We make your trouble no trouble at all." "So, Jackie-boy, a trip to the Cardiologist, eh?" "Gulp, whoan, I can't believe it Professor. You are as tenacious as the Stumptown Academy for Private-Eying Alumni Association. "

How in the name of Aunt Genevieve's Geritol did you find me?" "StenText (®Boleyn Enterprises), a little invention that I came up with that not only monitors flow through those culverts they inserted into your Lard!-packed coronary arteries, but also texts your physical location to HQ through BCC Boleyn Cloud Craft (™Boleyn Enterprises), my cloud computing service

that competes head-on-head with Microsoft, Dropbox, and Apple (Boleyn Enterprises and iEverything-Under-The-Suns-of-the-Universe have dissolved their business connections due to unrealistic expectations on the part of iSaint Steven. BCC is based on a surprising 2-step formula that is KICKING THAT FAKE SAINT'S ASS IN AND OUT OF THE PEARLY GATES!). Not surprisingly, it's based on a 2-step approach to the cloud. It's secret though. I digress. Even though we have been mostly out of touch since May 5, 2013, all the 2-Step Technology continued to function, so when I was informed that on October 27, 2014, you were to have stents inserted. I assured that they were equipped with BCC StenText capability." "Oh oh..."

"Oh, oh is an understatement, Jack. It's time to come to grips with what has happened. A serious relapse caused by a rare condition--although I should have anticipated it with you--of 2-Step Dyslexia." "What the?" "Yes, Jack, despite your efforts, pitiful as they are, and your solemn belief that you are still following the 2-Step Duh! Diet, you have transposed it from Eat Less, Move More, to Eat More, Move Less." "Whoan!" "But while you have been re-lapsing, I have been studying your case and it has become the foundation for my latest scientific monograph, Dyslexic Dieter: Transpositional Errors in β-RNA Associated With Mistranslation of the 2-Step Duh! Diet." "β-RNA?" "Boleyn RNA--I postulated it, and then discovered it in blood samples provided to me by my colleague and co-author, Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD." "Everyone is against me..."

"So, Professor, it's not my fault, after all!" "Wrong, Jackie-boy, wrong. β-RNA is formed as a result of self-delusion. In your case, it has to do with the amount you are walking--waddling, you call it, and I tend to agree--and how you record the mileage." "Nothin' good is headed my way, I can feel that. Dolly-girl--er, Fiora has been telling' me I need to quit shopping around for Apps that sing me the song I want to hear..." "It also has to do with what you have begun to consider foods that can be on your "OK List." Here's a few samples caught by the You've-Got-To-Be-Kidding-Me Cam (® Tell-Me-Another-One, No-I've-Heard-It-All-Before, LLC, optical technology by Boleyn Enterprises) implanted in your reading glasses and sent to BCC." "You've got to be kidding me..." "Careful, you're headed for a patent infringement there..."

 

"So, Jack. While Map My Walk (™whoever owns it) is tedious, it provided you with an accurate route and mileage. When you got that new device (and what's with the pink case, by the way)..." "Long story, Professor." "It wouldn't happen to involve a hotel room floor near the Denver airport, would it..." "Don't tell me..." "Yes, Jack, BCC captured and transmitted the entire incident while conducting a physical shock-induced status check--PSICC (®SecondStep, a member of the Boleyn Enterprises Constellation). Anyway, you were lured by the UP (™whoever owns it) App that records all your steps, and your mileage, including the miles you log to and from the refrigerator to get yet-another beer. And some days, Jack, you record mileages like 0.9 miles that consist entirely of two activities: getting a beer, and getting rid of a beer, if you get my..." "OK, OK, I get where you are going..."

"Where I'm going, Jackie-boy, is that 2-Step Dyslexia is reversible." "How do I do that, Professor?" "Get your Lard!-laden body back on the streets, Jack. Move more. And stay away from good food--if it tastes good, spit it out." "Whoan!"

"This will not be my last call, but it is yours!"

"Poutine"

Me and Dolly-Girl weren't gettin' wet enough in Stumptown, so we decided to head to Astoria for a good dousing at what Clark & Lewis called the "Dismal Nitch." "Jack, I hear there's a new eatery over there that's supposed to be pretty darned good. It's called the Albatross, I think." She doesn't get worked up a lot over feedbags so that sure got my attention even though I thought an albatross was some sort of neck wear. "Let's me and you give it a try!"

Found the joint on 14th Street, right downtown. I was thinkin' that it is either a big town or really short blocks, but you aren't readin' this 'cause you want to know about Astoria. We settled in, ordered a couple to take the chill off and had a look at the WhatWeGotForYou. Right off I saw "Poutine" and figured I might give it a try, even though the quotes seemed, well, it is a long way to Chicoutimi...

I asked Missy what was up with it and she said it was "like oyster chowder and fries..." OK, I got that much. I decided to give it a try.

She was pretty much right on the mark with what she had to say. Cookie had taken some of yesterday's soup, made it a little thicker, tossed in some bacon (can't go wrong there), and poured it on some fries. They were crisp enough to hold up to that OK. Then he dropped some smoked oysters into the mix. "What's the matter, Jack?"  "No curds, DG..."  "The oysters are the curds, Jack. That's the reason for the quotes, I guess. Cute!" Might be cute if you ordered it, but I was thinkin' some curds would have been just the touch. "How do you rate it, Jack?"  "Good question. I guess 3.5 Oysters, but no curds means No Curds in my book, Dolly-Girl..."

Dispatch from the Empire Builder: Last station stop Portland, Oregon

"Doll...effeyeohareeyeeh, wake up. We're back in Stumptown!" "Mmmph. What time is it?" "5:26 PM. We are only 5 hours and 46 minutes late. Not bad. We were scheduled to go 0.79 miles per minute and we went 0.71 miles per minute, roughly. Off by 11%. Or looking at it another way, 89% right. B+/A-". "Who died and made you Pierre-Simon LaPlace?" "Who?" "Famous mathematician. LaPlace transforms and all that." "Well, I don't know about that Dolly-girl. I'm just glad to be home and 89% right ain't bad...Welcome Home and thanks for a great trip,
effeyeohareeyeeh". "You too, jayehseekay..."

Dispatch from the Empire Builder: Getting light west of Libby

I could hear the telltale signs of Dolly-girl waking up. "Mmph" A yawn. A stretch. "Jack-honey, would you put that camera down and get me some java ? My coffee spot is emptier than Uncle Jackie's lunch bucket at quitting time." "Sure thing, Fiora--effeyeohareeh--I could use another drip myself. " "Where ARE we, anyway? I didn't feel them split the train in Spokane like usual." "That could be 'cause Spokane is still 4 hours away or so. We didn't lose anymore overnight, but Casey Jones up there didn't make us any time neither..." "Why Jack, I do believe you are sounding frustrated! What's with that, Mister-Everything-in Good-Time?" "Well jeeze Louise Doll...Fiora, define 'good'. We coulda got here faster in one of them conastoga wagons the pioneers fell out of--remember like the ones we saw over there in, what's the name of that place we went, Baker City?" "Relax Jack--are-ee-el-eh-ex--and look at the beautiful river..."

Dispatch from the Empire Builder: Havre at midnight?

After crawling across North Dakota, trapped in the La Brea Tar Pits of rail traffic, brought on by a combination of oil field development, oil exporting, and the usual grain shipments, we made it to Havre, Montana at 11--about 8 hours late. My mother used to say "Never ship a corpse on the Erie Lackawanna because it won't get where it's going in time for resurrection day." I guess it's time to let the Erie off the hook and replace it with Amtrak...

But what's wrong with this picture. Why are we moving oil and gas to export terminals anyway? And this NoDak biz has extractable reserves estimated at just about 14 months of use for the US. Yep. 14 months. Makes me wonder why we aren't investing in alternative energy and leaving NoDak (and all the other FrackVilles) alone. And while we are on the subject of energy efficiency, how about investing in high speed rail?

"Nice rant, Jack. If you read what I read you would read the reason. Capital em-oh-en-ee-why. Yep Jack, the reason is jack and I don't mean Jack with a capital J as in Jack D'Mestiere."

Dispatch from the Empire Builder: Corn, the grain that makes our nation great!

"Jack, I'll tell you, after this trip if I never see a damned cornstalk again it will be too soon! What in the name of Aunt Donna's davenport do we need all this corn for?" "Well, corn chips, corn bread, corn..." "It was a rhetorical question, Jack--do you know what that is? Did they teach you to investigate that?" Dolly-Girl was getting cranky after too much time in the mid-section of our land..."And quit calling me Dolly-girl, I have a perfectly good name." Cranky. As in cranky as Uncle Bill's Model T. "OK, Fiora, F-I-O-R-A, as in eff-eye-oh-are-eh, but think of everything corn brings to the U.S. of A. Look at those grain storages we are passing by--jobs!. Look at that sun on that corn." "I don't see any stinking corn..." "Well, there was some there a week ago..." "Oh for the sake of Isabelle's eyeball, Jack. It brings high-fructose corn syrup, obesity, animal confinement, cholesterol..." "There's no cholesterol in corn, Fi..." " ...I know that Jack...pesticides, global warming..." "OK, Fi-Or-Ah. I get it. You are up to your gullet with Middle America, as represented by Zea mays (and the should be italicized). I'll go find the conductor and tell him to get this train rolling!" "For the sake of Uncle Mike's mandolin, make it so..."

Dispatch from the Empire Builder: What a smooth ride

Sometime during the night the ride really smoothed out! Oh, wait. Define ride. We were stopped and, while we left the Twin Cities on time, we were 3.5 hours late getting to Fargo. But, sunrise is beautiful...

Dispatch from the Empire Builder: Mississippi River Sunset

"Jack, what in the name of Aunt Lucy's corset are you doing?" "I'm recording our adventure with the Kodak, Dolly-Girl. Look here, we're almost at the Mississippi River and headed into Minnesota. I got my start as a PI there, you know..." "Yes, Jack, I know that. How many times have you told me? We even went there, remember?" "Yep, I do. Just nostalgic, I guess..." "Don't take any pictures of me, Jack..." "I won't. Just taking pictures of the window..."

Dispatch from the Empire Builder: Stumptown Bound

Left Chicago bound for the home office of D'Mestiere Investigations

Dispatch from Chicago's Union Station

I was wandering around, sleuthing as it were. Some sort of computer malfunction was creating noise in the background. Kept repeating "Track number [mumble mumble] Track number..." It had been playing since we got here Sunday. Finally, with some fine detective work on my part, like asking a guy in a uniform...

I asked what the white noise was--"I don't hear anything but the track announcements for blind folks..."

I walked by and, sure enough, as you pass by, the voice tells you what track you are at. If you can hear, you can find your track...

Dispatch from Chicago: Prepping for the train ride

After some fun days in Big Windy, Dolly-Girl and I are about ready to climb on the Empire Builder bound for Milwaukie, Minneapolis, Fargo, Minot, Havre and points west. We decided to tie on the feedbag at a local HashHouseItaliano before we take off. The hash their slingin' on the rails these days isn't what it used to be...

Dispatch from the Texas Eagle

Longview, Texas...Fiora's reading a book. Jack's drinking a beer. There's a surprise...

Dispatch from the Texas Eagle

The Texas Eagle just passed through Terrell, Texas. Couldn't see much. Cemetery, Virginia St., Blanche St. Places my father showed me when we were there in 2000. Then he said, "I thank God my mother got me out of this hell hole." He didn't thank God often.

Dispatch from the Fort Worth Stockyards

Duh! What a simple solution: Just post a sign saying no criminal activity is allowed. Presto, problem solved!

Dispatch from the Texas Eagle

Jack, what's with this Sunset Limited? I thought you told me we were on the Eagle."  "Right Dolly-Girl, we got on the 422 in Los Angelese, which is also the 2 which goes to NOLA--that's New Orleans..." "I know what NOLA IS..." "--and is called the Sunset Limited. They divided us in San Antonio--that's where the Alamo is..." "Jack, can the geography lessons and just stick to foaming about trains." "...that's what all that bumping was in the dark, and the power and A/C going off and waking up in front of the dining car instead of the caboose". "But I liked being the caboose!"

"And these tracks Jack! I like to be flung like a wet rag in the shower!"  "Gee Dolly-Girl, you're talking like you're from Texas!

I've been snapping some pictures and things sure did change overnight

And have a look at that cloud--more water in that than the state of California!

"Nice picture, Jack, but I still like "Chemult at Night--it captured the essence of the place! Meanwhile, when do we meet up with Anna-Maria?"  "Long about 2..." "Knock off the Texas talk, Jack..."

Dispatch from the Texas Eagle

"We just crossed the Continental Divide, Dolly-Girl!" "Now there's some excitement, Jack. Still looks dry and dusty out there to me." "Sure, but now the water goes to the Atlantic.." "And that's important why since all the oceans are connected?" "Well, I saw a sign and they wouldn't have a sign and stores that sell t-shirts and gifts such if it weren't important, would they?" "Did you see the sign that said 'Welcome to Lordsburg? Did Lordsburg look important?" She went back to reading. Didn't even say she rested her case. It looked important to me--you could get serapes and feed critters..."

Dispatch from the Texas Eagle

Raining in the desert as we round a corner and can see the front of our 12 cars and 2 engines. We are in car the last. Dolly-Girl calls it the caboose. She likes those old terms, you know...

Dispatch from the Texas Eagle

It's been raining in the desert of Arizona...

Dispatch from the Texas Eagle

Sunrise in the Arizona desert...

Dispatch from the Caboose of the Texas Eagle

Dolly-Girl and me boarded the Texas Eagle and said farewell to Los Angelese tonight. We are in the last room on the last car--the caboose--and that's Okie Dokie with us.