Just then that little gizmo that Fiora carries with her when she doesn't, which is about 95% of the time, started to make noise and a not-so-familiar face, coupled with a familiar voice, popped up on the screen. "Good evening Fiora. Jackie-boy. I'd hoped to be able to take some well-deserved rest over this holiday season, but alas, the Professor's work is never done, thanks to the likes of you, Jackie-boy!." "Me? What do you mean, Professor? I've been behaving like nobody's business." "Well, certainly not like my business, I think you'll agree with me there." "C'mon, Professor, it's the holidays." "LARD! knows no holiday, Jack. Let's review the facts."
"Fact #1. You have actual LARD! in your refrigerator, as captured by the patented (of course) In-Door-Salad-Dressing-Rack-Cam (® iFrigidaire, a Holy-owned subsidiary of A Cold Day in Hell, Inc., which, in turn, is owned by iSaint Steven Enterprises). "Wait, I can explain! That was just a joke..." "Sure, Jackie-boy, a joke. It's more like a precipitate off of your LARD!-accumulating body!" "What? What do you mean?" "ScalE-mail, Jackie, ScalE-mail. The reports have been flowing in. Combined with the reports from your GPS transponder, LARD! is up and miles are down.
"Fact #3. The Cookie-Box-Cam..." "No, she didn't sell me out..." "...she did...reveals that you not only picked up the cookie box, but you opened it, and once opened, Pandora's Large Jar, or Πανδώρα πίθος, as I like to call it, apparently emptied itself down your accommodating gullet. This box was over-flowing with tasty treats. Now it's history." "Whoan!"
"Fact #4. Beer and potato chips do not comprise the 2-Steps that we know and love, Jackie-boy, unless it's 2-Steps to The Deep End: Losing the War on LARD!, a new book that I have penned under your name, which of course will become a testimony to what I do right and what YOU do wrong. It will be followed by my latest, A Life-line from LARD!: 2-Steps Back Saves the Day, by Professor Dr. Javier Boleyn." "Hey, what's with the Professor Doctor thing?" "Honorary degree from Harvard. While I have, of course, many honorary degrees, I've decided to use this one." "I'm sure it will sell more books." "Not as many as me saving you from your pitiful life will, Jackie-boy!"
"That's it Jackie-boy. The truth in Four acts, a composition based on facts by Professor Doctor Javier Boleyn. What have you to say?" "What can I say, Doc? Prof? I'm back in the traces. Waddling towards fitness. War on LARD! It ain't over 'til the skinny guy sings. Now where are Bill and Bill when I need them? LARD! is all around me, and so my waistline grows..."