Monday, December 24, 2012

1 Step Forward, 2 Back: A Christmas Lecture from Professor Javier Boleyn

"Well, Fiora, that was a nice Xmas-eve waddle, if I say so myself. Sure, I didn't cover as many miles as I usually do, but hey, it's Xmas." "Actually, Jack, while Xmas can be rationalized since for some centuries, X was an accepted shorthand for Christ, with the X symbolizing a cross, these days people prefer the proper 'Christmas' over what's become ad-speak." "OK, I'll try and keep that in my bean, but I'm so used to Xmas..."

Just then that little gizmo that Fiora carries with her when she doesn't, which is about 95% of the time, started to make noise and a not-so-familiar face, coupled with a familiar voice, popped up on the screen. "Good evening Fiora.  Jackie-boy. I'd hoped to be able to take some well-deserved rest over this holiday season, but alas, the Professor's work is never done, thanks to the likes of you, Jackie-boy!." "Me? What do you mean, Professor? I've been behaving like nobody's business." "Well, certainly not like my business, I think you'll agree with me there." "C'mon, Professor, it's the holidays." "LARD! knows no holiday, Jack. Let's review the facts."

"Fact #1. You have actual LARD! in your refrigerator, as captured by the patented (of course) In-Door-Salad-Dressing-Rack-Cam (® iFrigidaire, a Holy-owned subsidiary of A Cold Day in Hell, Inc., which, in turn, is owned by iSaint Steven Enterprises). "Wait, I can explain! That was just a joke..." "Sure, Jackie-boy, a joke. It's more like a precipitate off of your LARD!-accumulating body!"  "What? What do you mean?" "ScalE-mail, Jackie, ScalE-mail. The reports have been flowing in. Combined with the reports from your GPS transponder, LARD! is up and miles are down.

"Fact #2. Your PIT tag has been activated at increasing numbers of taverns with increasing frequency." "PIT tag?" "Yes, PIT, Passive Integrated Transponder. Your chip, as it were. Although I had nothing to do with its invention--well, I suppose it's hard to say I had NOTHING to do with it since so many receive inspiration from me--I find it to be a valuable technology. Every time you cross the threshold of certain sorts of establishments, your presence is tallied. Numbers were climbing in BuckTown and there has been no tapering since you've returned to StumpTown." "Oh, boy, this is gonna get worse, I can tell..."

"Fact #3. The Cookie-Box-Cam..." "No, she didn't sell me out..." "...she did...reveals that you not only picked up the cookie box, but you opened it, and once opened, Pandora's Large Jar, or Πανδώρα πίθος, as I like to call it, apparently emptied itself down your accommodating gullet. This box was over-flowing with tasty treats. Now it's history." "Whoan!"

"Fact #4. Beer and potato chips do not comprise the 2-Steps that we know and love, Jackie-boy, unless it's 2-Steps to The Deep End: Losing the War on LARD!, a new book that I have penned under your name, which of course will become a testimony to what I do right and what YOU do wrong. It will be followed by my latest, A Life-line from LARD!: 2-Steps Back Saves the Day, by Professor Dr. Javier Boleyn." "Hey, what's with the Professor Doctor thing?" "Honorary degree from Harvard. While I have, of course, many honorary degrees, I've decided to use this one." "I'm sure it will sell more books." "Not as many as me saving you from your pitiful life will, Jackie-boy!"

"That's it Jackie-boy. The truth in Four acts, a composition based on facts by Professor Doctor Javier Boleyn. What have you to say?"  "What can I say, Doc? Prof? I'm back in the traces. Waddling towards fitness. War on LARD! It ain't over 'til the skinny guy sings. Now where are Bill and Bill when I need them? LARD! is all around me, and so my waistline grows..."