Waddling Through April: Coughing My Way Around Stumptown

Whew, April's over. Started a bout with a bad cough on April about April 8. Over the next days it turned into pneumonia, but I continued to waddle, assuming that exercise would be good for cleaning out those lungs. I did manage to get in a daily walk, and cover 215 miles at an average of 7.2 per day. Not bad compared to last year, but a low output by recent standards. OK, I'll cut myself a little break given that I was coughing up lungs at every turn.

April 30 had me just short of 1,000 miles for 2012--988.73. On to May!

A Converstation with Professor Javier Boleyn: "Where have you been all my life?"

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"Damn, Dolly-girl, will this infernal rain ever stop falling out of the sky? I need to get shank's mare out of here and get my exercise in." "Chill, Jack. There will be a break. I'm sure Ms. Shank will get you to whatever watering hole has Sunday Services with a minister to your taste..." The blower sparked. "Get it, will you Jack? I'm doing my nails, and I don't mean toe or finger..." She was right, she'd been working down cellar for months now doing this or that related to a do-me-over that Dania and Cuco were ramrodding. She was reaching a breaker point...






Pictured below: Dick Cheney's heart

"Yallow, D'Mestiere Investigations, now proudly offering Microbial, Chemical, and Psychological services..." "Jackie-boy, how are you?" Gulp. It had been 3 months since I heard from Professor Javier Boleyn. I'd thought I'd shook him off my tail. Given him the slip, so to speak. "Yes, Jackie-boy, it is I, Professor Javier Boleyn (® iSaint Steven Enterprises). You have not given me the slip, although there's still enough LARD! on your body to facilitate the move." "What's that little writing after your name, Professor?" "I, being a hotly-sought-after commodity, have licensed myself to Saint Steve Jobs, but never-you-mind. For all intents and purposes, our relationship has not changed although you will notice that my fees have increased to account for Steve's--I'm allowed to call him that--share." "But, he's dead." "Ha! And Dick Cheney (® Prince of Darkness) doesn't have a new lump of coal beating in his chest!"



"Well, Professor, since it's been so long..." "Jackie-boy, you have completed one quarter of Two-Stepping Surveillance, the patented program under which I wait and watch to see if you have transformed memory in the Generative Spiral Model." "Hey, isn't that one of those catchy organization models used by top-notch firms such as Dialogos (® iDialogos, a holy-owned subsidiary of iSaint Steven Enterprises)." "Yes, it is. They got it from me and I've now adapted it to apply to your LARD!-Laden body."




"OK, I'm ready for my report card. But first, what have you been up to instead of pestering me?" "Well, Jackie-boy, I have to say that I was having to spend an inordinate amount of time on you. With a reduced commitment (although not a reduced fee structure), I was able to publish a number of new books, including a geographic trilogy, LA Sorely: The First 2-Steps in SOCAL, The Eats of San Francisco: 2-Stepping to the Top of Nob Hill, Pike Street Pas de Deux: Seattle, the Professor Javier Boleyn Way, and my latest memoir, The First 12 Steps: 6 Years of 2-Stepping with PJB." "PJB?" "Professor Jav..." "I get it." I'm now working on a new epic in the spirit of War and Peace. It's called: два шага танца в степи: Дайте борщ отказов. It loosely translates as Give Borscht the Bounce: A 2-Step Dance for the Steppes."





"Well, Professor, as you know, I've been incredibly busy with a number of activities related to a construction project. We are putting in a guest suite. In fact, you are more than welcome to..." "Oh, PULLEASSE, the good Professor does not stay in basements..." "Just offering. In case you are ever slumming. Anyway, that's taken a lot of time. And then there's my Rex Parker hobby. And my Waddling Towards Fitness, both the actual waddling and the blog.
Look at this sign I saw while I was out walking. I thought you would enjoy it." "If there's one thing I do not enjoy, Jackie-boy, it's grammatical incompetence!"


"Enough of your excuses. Talk all you want, Jackie-boy. As you know, the Sky Cluster never sleeps. You can tell me any story you like. I've heard them all. But the truth will out, my friend." "But, Professor, I can't live a punitive life..." "Why not, it works for Republicans." "But I'm not one of them. I gotta be me." "You're laying yourself open for a phone call from ASCAP, there Jackie-boy..."






(© Alex Morgan Bell, for real)
" Jack, the iScale Email continue to pour in..." "iScale? I don't have a new scale." "Oh, yes you do. Remember that new, what do you call it, 'blower', that Fiora has and you love to carry on weekends when she gives you custody? Well, thanks to iStSJ, that's you-know-who, I am able to obtain your weight without you standing on anything. Something called an app." "Uh oh.Wail!" "Indeed. The app reports that you have, for one brief moment, touched a total loss of 3 buckets of LARD!, but that you have not been able to maintain that loss." "It's true, Professor, I've leveled off and stabilized a few pounds above that. I'm at 96.6667% of three buckets." "Wipe that smile off your face, Jackie-boy. Four decimals are for people who make excuses. You probably believe that ridiculous theory that .999 repeating equals 1. I know what's happening because our Quantitative Services Division, in collaboration with image interpretation specialists from the Sky Cluster, has calculated that ds/dt>0. S is defined as f(Σ(F x O)) where F=Finn Crisp and O=olives." "What the what? (© Tina Fey)" "It means you are snacking more, Jackie."


"Here is what you've really been up to, organized by LARD!-Laden Category.

"Let's see. Under the category of 'Food', I think we can feature, in no particular order, Olympic Provision, Gilt Club--good name for a restaurant there, eh?--Horse Brass, Mash Tun, Radio Room, Thai Noon, Al Forno Ferruzza, Andina, Good Neighbor, Hot Lips, Pastini, Rock Bottom, and the Third Avenue Sausage Cart! My God, Jack!" "I can explain." "You may not! I'm talking here. What the heck business do you have being in the same room with that thing to the left? Cream, chocolate, and a cookie?"





"Jack, did you tell Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD about this consumptive behavior?" "Well, I told her that I had changed my life-style and that I was exercising and eating healthy foods." "And she bought it? I guess she isn't following the Sky Cam reports." "She gets them?" "Of course, Portland Family Medicine, owned by--go ahead, fill in the blank...She did send me a picture of you taken by the Hazardous-Sharps-Collection-Box-Cam (® Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD). She invented that but iStSJE hasn't exercised its option yet."












"OK, enough of that. It makes me want to belch. Let's move on to the category of 'Drink'. Jackie-boy, are you under the impression that 'Drink' is good for you or something?" "Well, you are supposed to drink 8 glasses..." "Of water, Jack. Bull Run as you like to call it quaintly. That's not what's pouring down your gullet, Jack." "Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD mentioned that too. I thought she was just concerned about my health."




"Health, schmelth. It's LARD!-Laden, Jackie-boy. Think of the caloric content. Think of it, why, doesn't your lovely daughter, Anna-Maria remind you of that?" "She does." "By the way, I'm quite proud of the manner in which she has taken to 2-Stepping. A model client to my way of thinking. She pays attention to my advice, she RUNS instead of waddling like her father, and guilt is such an effective tool with her..." "You noticed." "I notice everything, Jackie-boy."



"So, let's review three months. I think you'll discover a trend. I could bring up the whole .999 repeating thing again, but I won't." "Thank you, Professor. Whoan."
























"And finally, Jackie-boy, what the hell is this?" "Where did you get that picture?" "I have my operatives, Jack. People who take heart health seriously. People who report things to me like Velveeta Dip with SPAM Crumbles and Frito Scoops (combination of the three ® Prince of Darkness)."

"Get serious, Jackie-boy. Your War on LARD! isn't over yet. Now get that 3.3333333%!"

"Whoan."

Marching Through March: 259 miles and 773 for the 1st Quarter

The end of March brings the first quarterly report: 773 miles, headed for an annual total of just short of 3,100. March was a challenge. Lots of rain. Mostly I was able to skip through the showers, but I did get rained onto the bus a few times. I hate it when that happens. March 31 was a beautiful break in the rain and I waddled a half-marathon, in honor of my daughter's half (she ran though) earlier in the month.




I found out that, although I frequently walk 10 or 11 miles a day, I don't do it in one shot. I was tired and sore at the end of 13.68 miles. And, I had to stop at a friendly watering hole, but they were out of water so I had to have a beer. I don't know what it is with the places I pick, but it seems to be a common theme...

February Waddling: 29 Days at 8.67 Miles per Day

Coming soon! The further adventures of Professor Javier Boleyn. In the meantime, 29 days of waddling yielded 251+ miles. A pace slightly ahead of the 31 days of January. A few months ago I would have been compulsive and added miles in order to beat January. But that's not sustainable and I've been thinking a lot about sustainability lately...

Waddling into the New Year: Not the best month ever, but...

Not bad. Far be it from me to whine, but...waaa! It's hard to walk a long way in Xtra-Tuffs! Fortunately, after a few days of typical Portland Winter Weather, our pattern returned to dumping snow on AlaskaMari and left me in the almost-dry. I did manage a respectable 262.05 miles, averaging just short of 8.5 miles per day.







On the last day of the month, I paid my annual visit to Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD. As readers of this column know, I both dread and welcome the visit, currying the favor of the young physician like an old dog with his owner, and at the same time, being suitable defiant--"Well, I can't take ALL of your advice...2 beers a day? You have to be kidding!" But, she was impressed with the graphs of the waddling that I showed her, and with my War on LARD! A whopping 70 pound loss since 2 years ago. I also posted some impressive numbers in the lipid panel, but of course, that's partly better living through chemistry. Cholesterol 153, HDL 69, Triglycerides 41, LDL 76.

More about the visit with Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD to come.

Waddling Through December and 2011: The Results

At the risk of rubbing it in, I'll zoom out and remind everyone that I waddled around Hawai'i for a while in December.







Here's a more realistic view of what I accomplished. Not bad, but vacation does not lend itself to racking up the miles. Still, a respectable 254.57 miles (could you be a little more precise, Jack?) for the month.







Here's what my 2011 Stumptown waddles look like. Total mileage for 2011 checks in at 2,432.16, or the distance from Stumptown to...what the what? New York? Fort Sumter? Fernadina Beach and Gainsville? Acapulco? Unalaska? Chicoutimi and Québec City? Jeezu, Jack!

It's been a good year for waddling. And, I checked out of the year short 2.72 pails of LARD! from where I started in August, 2010. Take that Professor Javier Boleyn!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, 2012!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
from D'Mestiere Investigations!

Back by popular demand is our own Yule Log a la WPIX

Me and Dolly-girl want to wish all of our friends, from Stumptown to Hawkesbury; from the Rose City to the Windy City; from the Left Coast, which is the right one, to the Right Coast, which isn't; to Tinseltown, Ithaca Schmithica, the Valley With a Heart, the Heart of the Valley, Our Nation's Capital, and Pennsylvania's Capital City; to The Best Location in the Nation, Ravenrock Ranch, Whidbey Island, Washington, the Redwood Forest and the Gulf Stream Waters; to the Vale of Glamorgan; Kodiak Island, and the tropical paradise of Hawai'i

A Very Merry Christmas and Best Wishes for a Healthy and Happy 2012!

A Night Out in Stumptown: Poutine at 15th Avenue Hophouse

Blower. Kitty. "Yallow, Jack's on the line. D'Mestiere Investigations. We make your trouble no trouble at all..." "It's Kitty." "I knew it was you 'cause of that gadget Dolly-girl put on the blower so as we can tell whosit before we decide to..." "Old technology, Jack. Called Caller ID. Been around for years. Anyhoo, look, I had my thinking cap on my bean and a GE flashed that said maybe we ought to mosey on down to that new hop house on 15th and Brazee and tie on a feedbag." "You mean the 15th Avenue Hophouse?" "The same." "I'll check." I looked around the room and saw lots of up-and-downs seeing as how I was using other new-fangled technology--a "Speaker Phone"--and Dolly-girl, Dania Inebriata-Beech, Cuco O'Macka, T. Anthony Kavanaugh III, and Libretto all knew what Kitty had been pitching. "We're on."



Turns out the FAHH (that's what I'm gonna call the 15th Avenue Hophouse as it's easier to type and I'm typing this myself 'cause Thelma has the day off and I type slower than cement erodes according to Dolly-girl) is the partner of the Hawthorne Hophouse and they both got the same whatchmacallit. Also turns out that if you want a beer, it's a place you ought to go to, but then that wasn't a surprise to me (or to any of you that know about the fact that I like to waddle from joint to joint).


Where was I. Oh, yes. So we all piled in a couple roadsters and headed down there. It didn't take Missy anytime at all to fill some glasses and set them down in front of us. "You all look like you think you've come to the right place and I'm here to tell you, you have. Just have a pull on those brewskis and a look at the whaddayawant, and I'll be back in two shakes."









"I'll tell you one thing you could bring us from the getgo--some of those sweet potato fries. Kitty knows what Kitty likes and I'd like it if you'd put them down right in front of me." I guess Kitty might have seen the inside of the joint too. And, what the? They were a quarter gone before I could even get the Kodak focused. And it wasn't a couple minutes before that plate looked like a scene from Exodus 10: 1-20. Jeezu, those folks were famished, I guess. I looked around the table and six sets of mandibles were masticating and six sets of vocal chords were purring. Make that seven.







Missy was back, and none too soon, if you ask me. "What's it gonna be, Jack?" How is it people always seem to know my name? Is it that billboard that Thelma talked me into putting up around town to try and increase business? "I'm a little cautious seeing as how we are a long ways from Québec, but hows the poutine?" "Me, how would I know, do I look like I eat that?" I had to take her point. Professor Boleyn's advice was wasted on her... "Well, I'm gonna a chance it. Une poutine, s'il vous plait, et un plat des Oeuf de Diable a la wasibi to back that up, just in case." "Vous l'avez!" I looked around. Everyone else went for the pretty standard fare, but no one seemed like they were jumping on my wagon. But one thing was for sure, everyone was finding the suds that washed their dishes, if you get my drift.


Missy put the cacklefresh down in front of me and they looked like there were gonna make me stand up and pay attention. Sparks were flying off those henfruit and the hash slinger had thrown a little red on there in honor of the season, I guess. It hit the spot. But ah, the piece de resistance...








Missy set the plate in front of me. "Voila!" I dug in quick. It was the real thing--crispy fires, tasty gravy and curds--wait, the only chink in the armor, no squeak in the curds--even this far from the vaisseau-mère! "C'est bon, Missy!" "Heureaux vous l'aimez..." My blower sparked. Without even looking, I gave it the "yallow." "Jackie-boy, what is THAT in front of you? Have you lost your mind? A pile of fried potatoes, smothered in gravy and cheese curds? In what universe is that part of the 2-Step Duh! Diet? It's going to be the one-million steps for you tomorrow diet..." "Professor Boleyn? How did you find me? How..." "Jackie-boy, the Red Alert warnings were going off through the entire Boleyn Sky Cluster. You can't make an order like this sous le couvert dde l'obscurité. But, you know what, enjoy your poutine and I will speak with you tomorrow. Randall, put an early morning scolding for Jackie-boy on my calendar..."



I felt lower than a pill bug in the cellar with my tail between my legs. Dolly-girl put her hand on my arm and shot me a smile through the wave. "Forget him, Jack. It's the holidays, we're with friends and family, and even you deserve a night off." I gave her a peck on the kisser and went back to my poutine. Ha! Pill bugs don't have tails! Wait, that's no pill bug...

Dispatch from the 15th Avenue Hophouse: It's My Birthday

A beautiful, sunny afternoon in Stumptown...

Punaluu, Hawaii VRBO Listing 229721 Blue Ginger Beach House

I hate to do this. I only do this because of the email my wife received from the owner in response to my review and her response on the VRBO web page. I believe the owner is disingenuous. I gave, I thought, a very fair review on VRBO. She responded. I can't on VRBO. But I can here. I would not have responded if she had left it alone. Most people rated her property a five; I rated it a two. A simple, "I'm sorry you were disappointed," would have been fine. But, we received an email transferring all the guilt to us after we paid over $1,000 for a week that promised something that wasn't.

The place is well equipped and comfortable, and I stated as much. I never said it wasn't a good value. I brought to prospective renters' attention that there is road noise and construction until February. It is not "landscaping" as the owner responds, unless "landscaping" to you includes large excavators, dump trucks, etc, starting at 7 AM or before. They are in the process of removing concrete and steel that was part of the temporary bridge. This is the beach view I observed and below is a little movie of the "landscaping." I realize it's not her fault, but let's be honest. It's not "landscaping."

Maybe most all beach view places on O'ahu are on highways. Not all are. You might want to rent one that isn't. All I pointed out is that there is traffic and a lot of it. What I didn't put in my review--a couple nights we counted over 30 buses in a single hour going by the house.


I do not question the comfort of the place. In fact, I was quite complimentary in my review. I just wish the owner had been forthcoming in her ad. I did not say in VRBO that the ad was misleading. I did not ask for a discount. I did not ask for a refund. I only believe that an honest review is an honest review.

Dispatch from American Spamoa

New recipes!