Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Waddling Towards Fitness: The old one-two from Professor Javier Boleyn

I don't know why it should surprise me that, as I settled into my seat at the Stumptown Ticker Clinic, my blower started buzzing like those dozen hornets that latched onto Fiora last summer and followed her right into the house. When a hornet gets hold of you, they don't let go. "Hello, Jack D'Mestiere on the line; D'Mestiere Investigations; We make your trouble no trouble at all." "So, Jackie-boy, a trip to the Cardiologist, eh?" "Gulp, whoan, I can't believe it Professor. You are as tenacious as the Stumptown Academy for Private-Eying Alumni Association. "

How in the name of Aunt Genevieve's Geritol did you find me?" "StenText (®Boleyn Enterprises), a little invention that I came up with that not only monitors flow through those culverts they inserted into your Lard!-packed coronary arteries, but also texts your physical location to HQ through BCC Boleyn Cloud Craft (Boleyn Enterprises), my cloud computing service
that competes head-on-head with Microsoft, Dropbox, and Apple (Boleyn Enterprises and iEverything-Under-The-Suns-of-the-Universe have dissolved their business connections due to unrealistic expectations on the part of iSaint Steven. BCC is based on a surprising 2-step formula that is KICKING THAT FAKE SAINT'S ASS IN AND OUT OF THE PEARLY GATES!). Not surprisingly, it's based on a 2-step approach to the cloud. It's secret though. I digress. Even though we have been mostly out of touch since May 5, 2013, all the 2-Step Technology continued to function, so when I was informed that on October 27, 2014, you were to have stents inserted. I assured that they were equipped with BCC StenText capability." "Oh oh..."

"Oh, oh is an understatement, Jack. It's time to come to grips with what has happened. A serious relapse caused by a rare condition--although I should have anticipated it with you--of 2-Step Dyslexia." "What the?" "Yes, Jack, despite your efforts, pitiful as they are, and your solemn belief that you are still following the 2-Step Duh! Diet, you have transposed it from Eat Less, Move More, to Eat More, Move Less." "Whoan!" "But while you have been re-lapsing, I have been studying your case and it has become the foundation for my latest scientific monograph, Dyslexic Dieter: Transpositional Errors in β-RNA Associated With Mistranslation of the 2-Step Duh! Diet." "β-RNA?" "Boleyn RNA--I postulated it, and then discovered it in blood samples provided to me by my colleague and co-author, Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD." "Everyone is against me..."

"So, Professor, it's not my fault, after all!" "Wrong, Jackie-boy, wrong. β-RNA is formed as a result of self-delusion. In your case, it has to do with the amount you are walking--waddling, you call it, and I tend to agree--and how you record the mileage." "Nothin' good is headed my way, I can feel that. Dolly-girl--er, Fiora has been telling' me I need to quit shopping around for Apps that sing me the song I want to hear..." "It also has to do with what you have begun to consider foods that can be on your "OK List." Here's a few samples caught by the You've-Got-To-Be-Kidding-Me Cam (® Tell-Me-Another-One, No-I've-Heard-It-All-Before, LLC, optical technology by Boleyn Enterprises) implanted in your reading glasses and sent to BCC." "You've got to be kidding me..." "Careful, you're headed for a patent infringement there..."


"So, Jack. While Map My Walk (whoever owns it) is tedious, it provided you with an accurate route and mileage. When you got that new device (and what's with the pink case, by the way)..." "Long story, Professor." "It wouldn't happen to involve a hotel room floor near the Denver airport, would it..." "Don't tell me..." "Yes, Jack, BCC captured and transmitted the entire incident while conducting a physical shock-induced status check--PSICC (®SecondStep, a member of the Boleyn Enterprises Constellation)Anyway, you were lured by the UP (whoever owns it) App that records all your steps, and your mileage, including the miles you log to and from the refrigerator to get yet-another beer. And some days, Jack, you record mileages like 0.9 miles that consist entirely of two activities: getting a beer, and getting rid of a beer, if you get my..." "OK, OK, I get where you are going..."

"Where I'm going, Jackie-boy, is that 2-Step Dyslexia is reversible." "How do I do that, Professor?" "Get your Lard!-laden body back on the streets, Jack. Move more. And stay away from good food--if it tastes good, spit it out." "Whoan!"

"This will not be my last call, but it is yours!"