Monday, December 28, 2015

Dispatch from D'Mestiere Investigations: How Soon We Forget...

"Jack, you really need to kick it into gear and start writing your dispatches again--particularly those ones about Waddling Towards Fitness. I mean, I'm just saying' Jack, it's been more than a year since you found one of those buckets of lard you lost. You keep muttering and saying it's only temporary, soon we forget!"

"Aunt Jean's Jump Suit, Fiora, give me a break here. I mean first of all, I changed jobs, if you will kindly remember, back in September and it takes some getting used to..." "Sleeping in and not getting paid takes getting used to Jack? It's the cat and me that have had the adjustment. Ryman was used to having your spot in our bed at 5 in the morning, not to mention that I was happy not to have to snudge covers from you either. Now, it can be 6 o'clock or later and you're still snoozing'."

"Well, don't forget, I was awful busy watching Dania and Čučo work. Remember the kitchen project? Maybe not. How soon we forget..." "OK, Jack, I'll admit that watching them do their magic and drinking beer was pretty much a full-time job for you. Gee, I wonder where that lard came from. Oops, the phone is ringing...Oh 'Jackie-boy', it's for you..." "Professor, you caught me in the middle of...yes, yes, I know..." Whoan...

All kidding aside, here's a before and after tour of our kitchen. Me and Dolly-girl loved the 1938 charmer that was the kitchen we bought. But what a wonderful improvement our friends at Duri, Inc. made for us...But I'll tell you, it wasn't always easy drinking beer and staying out of their way...



Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Waddling Towards Fitness: The old one-two from Professor Javier Boleyn

I don't know why it should surprise me that, as I settled into my seat at the Stumptown Ticker Clinic, my blower started buzzing like those dozen hornets that latched onto Fiora last summer and followed her right into the house. When a hornet gets hold of you, they don't let go. "Hello, Jack D'Mestiere on the line; D'Mestiere Investigations; We make your trouble no trouble at all." "So, Jackie-boy, a trip to the Cardiologist, eh?" "Gulp, whoan, I can't believe it Professor. You are as tenacious as the Stumptown Academy for Private-Eying Alumni Association. "

How in the name of Aunt Genevieve's Geritol did you find me?" "StenText (®Boleyn Enterprises), a little invention that I came up with that not only monitors flow through those culverts they inserted into your Lard!-packed coronary arteries, but also texts your physical location to HQ through BCC Boleyn Cloud Craft (Boleyn Enterprises), my cloud computing service
that competes head-on-head with Microsoft, Dropbox, and Apple (Boleyn Enterprises and iEverything-Under-The-Suns-of-the-Universe have dissolved their business connections due to unrealistic expectations on the part of iSaint Steven. BCC is based on a surprising 2-step formula that is KICKING THAT FAKE SAINT'S ASS IN AND OUT OF THE PEARLY GATES!). Not surprisingly, it's based on a 2-step approach to the cloud. It's secret though. I digress. Even though we have been mostly out of touch since May 5, 2013, all the 2-Step Technology continued to function, so when I was informed that on October 27, 2014, you were to have stents inserted. I assured that they were equipped with BCC StenText capability." "Oh oh..."

"Oh, oh is an understatement, Jack. It's time to come to grips with what has happened. A serious relapse caused by a rare condition--although I should have anticipated it with you--of 2-Step Dyslexia." "What the?" "Yes, Jack, despite your efforts, pitiful as they are, and your solemn belief that you are still following the 2-Step Duh! Diet, you have transposed it from Eat Less, Move More, to Eat More, Move Less." "Whoan!" "But while you have been re-lapsing, I have been studying your case and it has become the foundation for my latest scientific monograph, Dyslexic Dieter: Transpositional Errors in β-RNA Associated With Mistranslation of the 2-Step Duh! Diet." "β-RNA?" "Boleyn RNA--I postulated it, and then discovered it in blood samples provided to me by my colleague and co-author, Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD." "Everyone is against me..."

"So, Professor, it's not my fault, after all!" "Wrong, Jackie-boy, wrong. β-RNA is formed as a result of self-delusion. In your case, it has to do with the amount you are walking--waddling, you call it, and I tend to agree--and how you record the mileage." "Nothin' good is headed my way, I can feel that. Dolly-girl--er, Fiora has been telling' me I need to quit shopping around for Apps that sing me the song I want to hear..." "It also has to do with what you have begun to consider foods that can be on your "OK List." Here's a few samples caught by the You've-Got-To-Be-Kidding-Me Cam (® Tell-Me-Another-One, No-I've-Heard-It-All-Before, LLC, optical technology by Boleyn Enterprises) implanted in your reading glasses and sent to BCC." "You've got to be kidding me..." "Careful, you're headed for a patent infringement there..."


"So, Jack. While Map My Walk (whoever owns it) is tedious, it provided you with an accurate route and mileage. When you got that new device (and what's with the pink case, by the way)..." "Long story, Professor." "It wouldn't happen to involve a hotel room floor near the Denver airport, would it..." "Don't tell me..." "Yes, Jack, BCC captured and transmitted the entire incident while conducting a physical shock-induced status check--PSICC (®SecondStep, a member of the Boleyn Enterprises Constellation)Anyway, you were lured by the UP (whoever owns it) App that records all your steps, and your mileage, including the miles you log to and from the refrigerator to get yet-another beer. And some days, Jack, you record mileages like 0.9 miles that consist entirely of two activities: getting a beer, and getting rid of a beer, if you get my..." "OK, OK, I get where you are going..."

"Where I'm going, Jackie-boy, is that 2-Step Dyslexia is reversible." "How do I do that, Professor?" "Get your Lard!-laden body back on the streets, Jack. Move more. And stay away from good food--if it tastes good, spit it out." "Whoan!"

"This will not be my last call, but it is yours!"

Sunday, March 15, 2015


Me and Dolly-Girl weren't gettin' wet enough in Stumptown, so we decided to head to Astoria for a good dousing at what Clark & Lewis called the "Dismal Nitch." "Jack, I hear there's a new eatery over there that's supposed to be pretty darned good. It's called the Albatross, I think." She doesn't get worked up a lot over feedbags so that sure got my attention even though I thought an albatross was some sort of neck wear. "Let's me and you give it a try!"

Found the joint on 14th Street, right downtown. I was thinkin' that it is either a big town or really short blocks, but you aren't readin' this 'cause you want to know about Astoria. We settled in, ordered a couple to take the chill off and had a look at the WhatWeGotForYou. Right off I saw "Poutine" and figured I might give it a try, even though the quotes seemed, well, it is a long way to Chicoutimi...

I asked Missy what was up with it and she said it was "like oyster chowder and fries..." OK, I got that much. I decided to give it a try.

She was pretty much right on the mark with what she had to say. Cookie had taken some of yesterday's soup, made it a little thicker, tossed in some bacon (can't go wrong there), and poured it on some fries. They were crisp enough to hold up to that OK. Then he dropped some smoked oysters into the mix. "What's the matter, Jack?"  "No curds, DG..."  "The oysters are the curds, Jack. That's the reason for the quotes, I guess. Cute!" Might be cute if you ordered it, but I was thinkin' some curds would have been just the touch. "How do you rate it, Jack?"  "Good question. I guess 3.5 Oysters, but no curds means No Curds in my book, Dolly-Girl..."