Late Night Phone Call

 Me and Dolly-girl had settled in to watch a coupla episodes of Deadwood (© HBO) 'cause we needed something light and fluffy to take the edge off the day, what with ships being covered up, Mexicans being tariffed, Great Britons preparing to be mangoed, and a member of the Royal Family being called nasty by none other than the nastiest human alive. My blower sparked. "It's probably a robo-call, Jack--they are coming in all times of the day now." "It's a crank call, alright, but one I have to answer..."



"Hello, Professor." "Yes, Jackie-boy, it is I, Professor Javier Boleyn, creator of the 2-Step Duh! Diet, author of 30 books and inventor of god-knows how many surveillance devices to assist those who are PAMs." "PAMs?" "Persons of Mass Accumulation, speaking of which, that's quite a mass of LARD! that you've accumulated recently!" "Well, Professor, you may know by reading my recent blog post that I have committed to resuming the War on LARD!" "Jackie-boy, here's what I know."








"Yesterday, you did go for a walk--not of the mileage that you've been known to put up in the past, but still, better than nothing. On that walk you came up with the brilliant idea of walking in a half squat to fool your cardiologist into thinking you had lost weight. That does not sound like commitment to me, Jack. Furthermore, I hope that your cardiologist has at least one functioning brain cell, which is what it would take to see through your pitiful scam."




Based on a back calculation of your trajectory, the Boleyn AI YIYI (Artificial Intelligence Yardage Indicator of Yaw and Inclination © Boleyn Enterpries) suggests that you left home, stopped at your garden--good job there, by the way--and proceeded on to not one, but two grocery stores." "Yes, I needed a few items."







You were observed passing the Peninsula Park Rose Garden--the original Portland Rose Garden, if I'm not mistaken. From photographic evidence, it was a beautiful day.








"It appears as though your were making something white in color for your evening repast." "That's correct. I made a Fetticcini Alfredo with a few improvements on the recipe--I added just a bit of meat to the sauce..." "Jackie-boy! Stop with the 'just a bit stuff'! The evidence points to a least one-third of a pound of bacon which is four-ninths of a pound more than your BSA!" "BSA, Boy Scouts?" "Boleyn Suggested Allowance." "Oh..."









"The Garbage CanCam (© Boleyn Enterpries) recorded the following image:"


"Jackie-boy, heavy cream, bacon, and butter have a place in your life, but it's not in the kitchen and certainly not in your mouth. I suggest you read my latest book, which I've written whilst taking with you, Cream, Bacon, and Butter: A 3-Step Challenge for a 2-Step Dieter. Let me give you the executive summary--take 3 giant steps and put the ingredients in the trash!

"Whoan..."