Getting Thinner By Getting Shorter

"What in the name of Aunt Nicki's knee bends are you doin, Jack?" "I'm practicing walking in a half squat, Dolly-girl." "And I presume you are going to tell me why?" A shot though the wave accompanied that question/plea/afraid to ask. "Wednesday is my cardiology appointment." "Yes, and..." "And when I left her office last year I said, "You'll see less of me next year! You see, I was absolutely dedicated to getting back to the War on LARD!" "How'd that work out for you?" "That why I'm walking in a squat--the only way she is going to see less of me is if I pretend to be shorter. Clever, eh?" "What about the scale, Jack?" "Dang it, Dolly-girl, I forgot all about that. Maybe in my new crouched over position I can surreptitiously keep one foot on the floor..." "Oh, just blame it on something. I blame Trump. He causes Trubber--Trump Blubber!" "Professor Javier Boleyn won't buy that. I've been reading his latest books."



It's true, Professor Javier Boleyn won't buy lame excuses although Trump Related Ultra-large Meal Portions (TRUMP) are real. But the good professor covers it all in his latest tomes Failed and Flabby: 2 Steps to Accepting Blame and Not My Fault!: Retirement and Aging in the Twenty-teens.












"See, Dolly-girl, Professor Boleyn offers a concise 300 page diagnosis in Failed and Flabby. Step 1: It's all my fault and Step 2: Do something about it." "Jack, do you mean to tell me that it takes the great Professor Javier Boleyn, one of the most prolific authors in the world today, 300 pages to get to those two steps? That could be on an index card." "Well, it's true that the message is clear and concise, but he also supplies about 180 pages of humiliating name-calling to make me feel like that oak toad, one of the smallest in the world. And then there's 119 pages of reviewing his accomplishments."


"What about that other book? I assumed that it was written by some white, male baby-boomer whining about how they aren't listened to. Did you ever meet one who would trade places with a young poor person?" "Well, no, but that's not what the book is about. It's about LARD! It has an equally concise message, and it's also in two steps. The author argues that my weight and aching bones aren't his fault--as in That isn't my fault, Jack-- and that I should just get over it and find a simple diet and exercise program like that described in Leave the LARD! Behind: 2 Steps to A Happy and Healthy Retirement in the Twenty-teens, coincidently, a book by Professor Boleyn." "Who wrote Not My Fault, Jack?" "Dr. J. Avi Erboleyn--I've never heard of him..." "Just keep reading, Jack..."