Saturday, March 2, 2013

Popping Out and Popping Up: Two Steps with Professor Javier Boleyn

 Simultaneously, separated by 713 miles, "Finally!" and "What the..."

My blower sparked, but Dolly-girl wasn't there to tell me to pick it up. Thelma neither. "Hello, D'Mestiere Invstigations, Eastern Oregon Operations, whatsit?"

"Jackie-boy?" Whoan...

 "Professor Boleyn, how nice talk to you. It's been a while." "A while! Jackie-boy, you probably thought you'd given me the slip. Fortunately, the last time Bar-AM chipped you, she used the latest technology." "Bar-AM? That's been almost a year!" "Yes, and fortunately, she deployed the Boleyn Enterprises "Eye of Saint Steve" technology (® i-of-Steven, a Holy-owned subsidiary of It's Burning Hot Down Here, Inc., which, in turn, is owned by iSaint Steven Enterprises), a specially designed data recorder, not unlike those used on whales..." "Whoan" "...that when out of touch for 3 months, dissolves its way through blubber, floats to the surface, and transmits its data to a waiting satellite in the Boleyn Star Cluster. In your case, the recorder dissolved its way through LARD rather than blubber, but the idea is the same." "Whoan..."

 "Jackie-boy, your 'iofSS' activated today at  44°46'49.40"N..." "iofSS?" "Eye of Saint Steve, and 117°50'4.03"W. What in the name of Bill Nighy are you doing in DuckDown, Oregon?" "It's a long story, Professor..." "And, I'm sure, not a straightforward one." 'Needless to say, let's skip it. Suffice it to say that I've taken on a challenge that beats any you put forward." "Now wait just a range-allotment second, there, Jackie-boy. Hear me out and explain yourself."

"The iofSS burrowed its way though an estimated extra 10 pounds of LARD! today and reached the uplink. Preliminary analysis of the data show a particular propensity for Firestone Walker Union Jack..." "It's been on sale at Safeway..." "and apparently you've been their best customer. I continue. There's also the matter of Blue Diamond Smokehouse Almonds..." "Which I wash down with Diet Coke..." "when you are driving. Apparently you don't believe anything has calories when you are driving. WRONG, Jackie-boy!" "Whoan."

 "In addition, the embedded GPS transponder reports that in January of this year, you waddled 177.54 miles and in February, 133.63 miles." "Not, bad, eh?" "Compared to 262 miles and 251 miles respectively a year earlier? 67 and 53%, Jackie-boy!" "I hurt my knee." "Yes, that was recorded, on February 25. On the 24th, you were at 112 miles. Do you expect me to believe that you were going to waddle 139 miles in the last 4 days of the month? Come on, Jack!" "2012 was a Leap Year..." "COME ON JACK!"

 "Well, I did better so far in March, Professor." "True, Jack, as of March 2, you are at or below your average March, 2012 waddle when you were coming down with the Whooping Cough. I'm just telling you Jackie-boy, it's a slippery damned slope and I don't want to have to open the iSSWMD on you." "OK, what's that? I got the iSS but..." "Weapons of Mass Demeaning." "ROGER."

 "OK, Professor. It's not like I don't beat myself up every morning when I get on the scale. It's just that..." "Whoan." "Professor, you said, 'Whoan?'" "I did, Jackie-boy. If you only knew how many 2-Steppers back slid. Well, I suppose you could if you read my new book, "Sliding to Slovenliness: When 2-Steppers Reject Professor Javier Boleyn." "Whoan." "Wail."

"I promise I won't be one of them, Professor. I'm taking another turn around the block, past the stationery store..." "That's a nice touch for a town..." "...yes, isn't it--and I'll leave that LARD! behind, Professor, I promise." "I'll be watching..." "I know you will. Whoan!"