I was lookin' in the really cold section of our Coldspot when my blower started buzzing in a way I had never felt before. "Good God, Jack, what in the name of Aunt Tillie's telephone is going on with that thing you call a 'blower'?" "How do I know, Dolly-girl," I said, looking at the screen, "it says 'LARD ALERT! You are looking longingly at something that shouldn't even be in your freezer, Jackie-boy!'" I had a good idea who was behind this new phone alert--Professor Javier Boleyn.
A disembodied voice spoke from the phone. "Yes, it is I, Jackie-boy, Professor Javier Boleyn. I was automatically notified when the LARD ALERT was issued. It's like an Amber alert for misplaced children, or a Silver Alert for misplaced geezers, I mean seniors, except it alerts those who subscribe to Boleyn Enterprises suite of technology services that they are threatened with LARD." "Hmmm, I always feel threatened by you Professor and I didn't sign up for any 'suite of technology services'." "Check your automatic payments to Apple Pay (
© St. Steven of Silicon) Jackie-boy--you have been subscribed for some time."
Well, Professor, now that you've killed my appetite..." "Wait, Jackie-boy, while I have you here, it seems like a good time to confer with the three of you who have made application for a
2-Step CONFAB ( ©Boleyn Enterpries). Hold the line while I engage the others. Ms. D'Mestiere?" "Yes, I'm here," I heard Dolly-girl on the blower in the other room. "Ms. Devereaux? "Present." What the? Dixie was on the call too? "Very well."
I told him I didn't know anything about any confab other that the confabs I have with clients when I'm on a case and that ain't happened much recently. "A
2-Step CONFAB--Collaborative Opportunities to Neutralize Flab and Booze, Jackie-boy. I describe it in my latest book,
2 Steps to Neutralizing Flab and Booze, which will be billed to your account--expect it in the mail soon, or download the Kindle version at 2stepconfab.com."
"You see, Jackie-boy, Both Ms. D'Mestiere and Ms. Devereaux have expressed interest in trimming a few pounds off and Lord knows, you need to trim more than a few. They petitioned me to initiate a CONFAB shortly after the Nacho-Cam caught Ms. Devereaux eyeing a plate at a local brew-pub. I might add, Jackie-boy, that the Tap-Cam at the same establishment recorded your presence later in the day." "Wait, how come they are called Ms. and I'm Jackie-boy?" "Simple Jackie-boy, they are refined gentlewomen and you are refined sugar."
"Although she was able to resist, it was dangerously close. And I know from the Appalachian Brewing Company's Gravy-Cam that you were unable to resist either the Poutine or the Mile-High Meatloaf. So, Ms. Devereaux, after a conversation with Ms. D'Mestiere, proposed a CONFAB--a
2-Step mutual support group. The first step is to set up a meeting place and time." After a period of reflection of about one second, I suggested Radio Room--that Shamble sandwich and a couple beers, it don't get better than that--and the others gave that the Okie Dokie. Dolly-girl, in particular, because the fish tacos ring her dinner bell. Professor Boleyn intoned, "Radio Room is fine, however, remember that fish taco is singular." Dolly-girl said, "Only one a piece would work" and Dixie agreed.
"I'm afraid you misunderstand. One taco serves the three of you, split in inverse proportion to your weights. Jackie-boy, that means you get the aroma and that's it. And even looking at the Shamble on the menu will trigger a LARD Alert! You may each have a beverage--the ladies may have a taster glass of wine and Jack, you get a full pint glass...of air...or water, your choice. Enjoy your CONFAB!"
A chorus of Whoans was coincided with the click on the line of the
2-Step Taskmaster
"Although she was able to resist, it was dangerously close. And I know from the Appalachian Brewing Company's Gravy-Cam that you were unable to resist either the Poutine or the Mile-High Meatloaf. So, Ms. Devereaux, after a conversation with Ms. D'Mestiere, proposed a CONFAB--a 2-Step mutual support group. The first step is to set up a meeting place and time." After a period of reflection of about one second, I suggested Radio Room--that Shamble sandwich and a couple beers, it don't get better than that--and the others gave that the Okie Dokie. Dolly-girl, in particular, because the fish tacos ring her dinner bell. Professor Boleyn intoned, "Radio Room is fine, however, remember that fish taco is singular." Dolly-girl said, "Only one a piece would work" and Dixie agreed.
