Monday, October 10, 2011

Waddling in Ithaca: The Impressive Reach of Boleyn Enterprises

"Yallow, Castaways, the Music Venue. We're More Than a Bar. You got Jo La on the blower. What'sit?" "Mister , um what did you say, Jo La?, umm kind sir, this is Randall Phüβe, please hold for Professor Javier Boleyn..." "Good afternoon, this is Professor Javier Boleyn, no need to acknowledge my international renown." "Good thing, what's that name again? I don't think you're in Castaway's what we call repertoire." "Think again, Mister La. Think of a certain supplement the mixologists at your establishment receive monthly. Did you think that was a stipend based on outstanding academic performance? I think not. It's time for Boleyn Enterprises to activate the Ithaca node on the Sky-View Cluster (®Boleyn Enterprises).

(© Castaways)
"Are you acquainted with a Miss Anna-Maria D'Mestiere?" "Well, sure. Who isn't? At least if you spend anytime here at Castaways, the Music Venue." "Yes, I know that Miss D'Mestiere has, from time-to-time, been known to engage in the Hot Dog Happy Hour (© Castaways) --quaint, provincial and quaint. That is at odds with her current efforts to join the War on LARD! Hence my need to activate more than occasional surveillance, and therefore necessitating this call, as required in our contract, to inform you that in our efforts to help Miss D'Mestiere achieve her goal, we will be monitoring the activity of all 'clients' of your establishment as they may be aiding or abetting Miss, what do you call her?" "AM. We call her AM, you know, pronounced like initials, first the A and then the M." "Yes, I know, and it's refreshing to see that you are more advanced than her father, who would pronounce it as though it were the first person present tense of the verb to be." "Well, we are in a college town..." "Thank you for that, Mister La." "Call me Jo."

"Professor Boleyn...Randall here. The Sky-View has picked her up near something called Cherry Street. Should I contact her on the Boleyn's-Eye-View (® Boleyn Enterprises) Voice of God (® iBlessed Steven). "That's an excellent idea Randall, crank up the machine. Remember to adjust the volume as it will deliver my voice directly through her iPod (® the mortal formerly known as Steve Jobs). "Anna-Maria D'Mestiere." "What the? Where? Where's that voice coming from? Who is that voice..." "Miss D'Mestiere, it is Professor Javier Boleyn." "Busted." "Hmmm, a common reaction when people hear my name. Nevertheless, Miss D...may I call you AM?" "Yes you may, shall I call you..." "Don't even think it. I am Professor Javier Boleyn. You may shorten that to Professor Boleyn or Professor, if you must. But let's get on with this."

"By the way, I am speaking to you through my new Voice-of-God technology (® iSaint Steven, fastest canonization in history and the first registered trademark in NeXT World © iSaint Steven, also the first registered copyright). First, I have to say that it took Jackie-boy--I mean your father--months of following the 2-Step Duh! Diet (® Boleyn Enterprises) to be able to take a picture of his feet and yours are much smaller than his. You must be following my regimen..." "I try..." "to some extent. However, the Tap-Cam has recorded you at a local watering hole, Castaways." "It's a Music Venue, more than a bar..." AM breathed a sigh of relief thinking that the good professor could have seen her at a lot more than just one local watering hole. "Even though the Voice-of-God is a 2-way technology, I didn't need to hear your thoughts to know that you frequent other establishments in this fair town. They all are part of the Sky-Cluster and all have my patented Tap-Cam." "All?" "Fall Creek House, Chanticleer, Nines, Maxies, Benchwarmers, Haunt, Moonshadow, Ale House..." "OK, OK. Guilty as charged. Except the IC joints, we don't go there..."

"But I have been waddling my level best towards fitness, Professor. It's not easy when you're a young person. I mean, I have a life. Jackie-boy--that cracks me up that you call him that--I mean what's he got to do? Bumpkus. Walk, walk, and walk some more. It's pathetic, no pathologic. Really, look what you've done to him, bullying him to blisters." "Relax child. Randall, make a note, my next book. Bullied to Blisters: Extreme 2-Stepping with Professor Javier Boleyn by Professor Javier Boleyn as told to Randall Phüβe, edited by Nora O'Floinn. Oh, and file the copyright on that too." "Already done, PJB." "AM, back to your plight. You are trying, I can see that. For instance, your iHair Pony-Tail-Scrunchie-Cam (®Boleyn Enterprises and Heavenly Host Enterprises, an iSaint Steven corporation ) detected this group of dedicated Ithacans practicing surfboard yoga, a technique I pioneered while under the influence of mild hallucinogens in my younger days at Venice Beach. The PTSC reported your velocity at the time to be 6.5 mph (mph is an abbreviation in the public domain). "

"I continue. Your UO Sweatband-Cam (® Oregon Ducks, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Phil Knight. Wait, how did this new guy get in here?) sent this image to the Sky-Cluster, documenting some impressive numbers. But, not impressive enough." "Wail and whoan." "Child, calm yourself. You are studying at the foot of the World's Master. Under my tutelage, you will be a wisp of your former self in no time."

"But, Professor, I'm trying so hard, and I'm waddling the straight and narrow, and, and, IT'S SO DAMNED BORING! Whoan!"

"Straight and narrow? I suggest you read the fine print on the Menu page and see if you really think you are 'straight and narrow'. I mean, really, even Jackie-boy avoids places with descriptions like:

"The menu ain't gigantic and the kitchen isn't open all the time,
but if you catch us cooking you can be sure to get
some of the best bar favorites around." (© Castaways)


1 comment:

Anna Maria said...

Thanks to the professor, I'm down 22.5. Stickin' to the program.