"Jackie-boy, what's your excuse this month? I don't see a heck of a lot of red on the map that the patented
Boleyn's Eye View Sky Cluster OverLay Device (® iBoleyn, a holy-owned subsidiary of iSaint Steven Enterprises) spit out this morning." "Sky Cluster over..." "Yes, the Sky Cluster OverLay Device, or as I call it, SCOLD. Amazing the technological leaps we've made since becoming part of Heavenly-Hosted Enterprises (® iSaint Steven Enterprises). It seems like there's something new every day."
Well, professor, I'll admit that I didn't put up my best numbers, but let me point a few things out." "Point away, Jackie-boy, I'm all ears.
(Aside to readers: Actually, I'm not all ears, I will be bored to tears by the excuses this Lard-Ass offers for why he took it easy this month...). "Well, first, I draw your attention to the graph to the left. Take a look at April. You can clearly see the onset of illness, on or about April 6, as indicated by a dramatic change in dm/dd--that's the slope of the line..." "I know what the change in mileage over the change in time is Jack. Get on with it." "I continue. Note that the slope stays at a depressed rate, due to a bout with what I've diagnosed as pertussis..." "Wait, to quote Steve Martin, 'Who's the barber here?' I will be the one doing diagnosis. In fact, remind me to charge you for a copy of my new
E-Book,
Diagnosing Dilatory Dawdling: When 2-Stepping Goes Awry." "I continue again. See
last month's entry for details. Now, I draw your attention to the data for May. Two things are evident: a depressed, but constant rate, from May 7 through 11, and then a recovery beginning May 12, that brings my mileage back to a respectable 234.36 for the month." "Hold on just a goll-durned minute, I'm the one who defines 'respectable' Jackie-boy. More details. What's with the May 7-11 flat spot?"
"Well, I thought you'd never ask. As I may not have mentioned, in order to decrease D'Mestiere Investigation's carbon footprint, we have not been traveling much. However, May 7-11 was a notable exception, having journeyed to beautiful Colville, Washington. Note the map to the left. I think I did a pretty good job of Covering Colville, don't you?" "Not exactly, Jackie-boy. The Sky Cam noted that you didn't make it east of Maple Street. Monsters up there or something?" "Er..." "Er is right, what's up there are hills, Jackie-boy and it would have done you some good to walk up some of them. This is not Strolling Towards Fitness, Jack. But enough of your lame excuses, what's the flat spot at the end of May?"
"Fiora and I went to Whidbey Island, Washinton to visit our friends Dania and Cuco." "And?" "Well, you know. We were visiting." "You mean drinking beer, Jackie-boy.
Drinking beer! And hanging out in places where the likes of you gain weight by
breathing. What am I going to do with you."
"But, we did more than that, Professor. We saw the Memorial Day parade
where the Rodeo Princess had her name written on her horse's butt with
glitter." "Very nice, but not one of 2 well-known
Steps..." "We went to
Laura's New and Experienced Goods, the store at the recycling dump and saw
Jesus in a Hard Hat..." "Not
Step 1 or Step 2..." "We, we...we went to the Farmer's Market and we walked on the beach.
We ate a great breakfast...oops." "Forget it Jackie-boy. Lame excuse
piled on top of lame excuse. Fact is, you could have topped 250 or 275
miles had you
wanted to. That's why it is I, Professor Javier
Boleyn, and not the likes of you, LARD-Ass Jackie-boy D'Mestiere, that
determines what is and isn't respectable."
"But I didn't gain an ounce, Professor." "Didn't
gain is not an acceptable
2-Step Duh! Diet outcome, Jackie-boy, and we are a performance driven outfit! I
expect, no I
demand better!"
"Whoan!"
B-zzzzz, Bzzz, Bzzz. "Dolly-girl, someone's at the door and I'm right in the middle of a Rex Parker that's vexing me no end. Could you get the door?" "OK, but since when did you, Jack D'Mestiere, start using words like 'vexing'? Oh, that's right, you are channeling Rex right now. You'll be back to 'tying my bean up tighter than a steer on branding day' in no time..." "I'll tell you, a guy just can't win. Hmmm, 9 letter word for 'perplexed', starts with B-E-F..."
"Jack, it was the postman. He brought you a package. It's from Dania Inebriata-Beech!" "I thought she was down singing Swanee River with her sister. I know she was because Cuco was calling me on your pocket blower telling me he was pining for her while he was trying to keep Bambi out of his orchard. I suggested..." "You didn't tell him to put Bambi on the hot lead express, did you?" "You bet I did. I was down at the watering hole at the time. Told him I'd lend him my heater to do it. Or, I know some guys..." "Go back to the puzzle, Jack. Quit befuddling me." "That's it! Thanks, Dolly-girl!" "Honestly, Jack. If you could see yourself through other's eyes. I mean, sitting in a public place talking about putting Bambi on the HLE could get you in trouble in some parts of Stumptown." "Yeah, but not ours..."
"Enough already. What's in the package? I"m dying to see. I love packages. Why wasn't it for me? I want a package..." "Quit your yammering, Dolly-girl, this is one christmas-morning that was meant for me if there ever was one!" 'Lard Have Mercy' That's great! Must be a joint Dania found while she was beating her feet on the Mississippi mud." 
