Saturday, June 2, 2012

Finding One's Feet: Leaving Pertussis Behind in Stumptown

"Jackie-boy, what's your excuse this month? I don't see a heck of a lot of red on the map that the patented Boleyn's Eye View Sky Cluster OverLay Device (® iBoleyn, a holy-owned subsidiary of iSaint Steven Enterprises) spit out this morning." "Sky Cluster over..." "Yes, the Sky Cluster OverLay Device, or as I call it, SCOLD. Amazing the technological leaps we've made since becoming part of Heavenly-Hosted Enterprises (® iSaint Steven Enterprises). It seems like there's something new every day."

 Well, professor, I'll admit that I didn't put up my best numbers, but let me point a few things out." "Point away, Jackie-boy, I'm all ears. (Aside to readers: Actually, I'm not all ears, I will be bored to tears by the excuses this Lard-Ass offers for why he took it easy this month...). "Well, first, I draw your attention to the graph to the left. Take a look at April. You can clearly see the onset of illness, on or about April 6, as indicated by a dramatic change in dm/dd--that's the slope of the line..." "I know what the change in mileage over the change in time is Jack. Get on with it." "I continue. Note that the slope stays at a depressed rate, due to a bout with what I've diagnosed as pertussis..." "Wait, to quote Steve Martin, 'Who's the barber here?' I will be the one doing diagnosis. In fact, remind me to charge you for a copy of my new E-Book, Diagnosing Dilatory Dawdling: When 2-Stepping Goes Awry." "I continue again. See last month's entry for details. Now, I draw your attention to the data for May. Two things are evident: a depressed, but constant rate, from May 7 through 11, and then a recovery beginning May 12, that brings my mileage back to a respectable 234.36 for the month." "Hold on just a goll-durned minute, I'm the one who defines 'respectable' Jackie-boy. More details. What's with the May 7-11 flat spot?"

"Well, I thought you'd never ask. As I may not have mentioned, in order to decrease D'Mestiere Investigation's carbon footprint, we have not been traveling much. However, May 7-11 was a notable exception, having journeyed to beautiful Colville, Washington. Note the map to the left. I think I did a pretty good job of Covering Colville, don't you?" "Not exactly, Jackie-boy. The Sky Cam noted that you didn't make it east of Maple Street. Monsters up there or something?" "Er..." "Er is right, what's up there are hills, Jackie-boy and it would have done you some good to walk up some of them. This is not Strolling Towards Fitness, Jack. But enough of your lame excuses, what's the flat spot at the end of May?"

"Fiora and I went to Whidbey Island, Washinton to visit our friends Dania and Cuco." "And?" "Well, you know. We were visiting." "You mean drinking beer, Jackie-boy. Drinking beer! And hanging out in places where the likes of you gain weight by breathing. What am I going to do with you."

"But, we did more than that, Professor. We saw the Memorial Day parade where the Rodeo Princess had her name written on her horse's butt with glitter." "Very nice, but not one of 2 well-known Steps..." "We went to Laura's New and Experienced Goods, the store at the recycling dump and saw Jesus in a Hard Hat..." "Not Step 1 or Step 2..." "We, we...we went to the Farmer's Market and we walked on the beach.

We ate a great breakfast...oops." "Forget it Jackie-boy. Lame excuse piled on top of lame excuse. Fact is, you could have topped 250 or 275 miles had you wanted to. That's why it is I, Professor Javier Boleyn, and not the likes of you, LARD-Ass Jackie-boy D'Mestiere, that determines what is and isn't respectable."

"But I didn't gain an ounce, Professor." "Didn't gain is not an acceptable 2-Step Duh! Diet outcome, Jackie-boy, and we are a performance driven outfit! I expect, no I demand better!"


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