Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Dateline Stumptown, July 2012: Waddling Into Summer

"OK, Jackie-boy, here are the numbers. Not bad, although I'll have a lot more to say soon enough..."

"Professor, can't you just say, 'OK, 283.39 miles for the month puts you at 1,737.21 for the year. Good job, Jackie-boy?"

"Why would I lie, Jack? Could you have done a better job?"


Thursday, July 5, 2012

July 5, 2012: I did what you wanted to do but were afraid to...

 Sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do. July 5, 1937. SPAM hit the shelves. What the hell is SPAM? A delicious and nutritious blend of pork, potato starch, salt and preservatives. If you opened a can packed in 1937 today, it would still be full of wholesome goodness.
 So, just about the time the noon whistle would blow if you were working in Austin, Minnesota in 1937, or maybe today and certainly in Berea, Ohio in the 50s, I took shank's mare out for a spin to the Safeway. I found the canned meat section--it has an overhead sign directing you. There were a lot of choices. Bacon. Hickory. Low Sodium (why bother?). SPAM Classic. That's for me.
 Back in my office, I popped it open. No more key stuck to the bottom of the can. No more tab to hook the key on. No more winding the metal seal around the key. Just a quick snap, pop, and the aroma fills the room. As always, SPAM is easily manipulated. You can slice it, dice it, or carve it into the Venus de Milo.
 But the best thing to do is chunk it up and enjow it. Just SPAM. No bread. No cheese. No mustard. No nothing. Just SPAM out of the can.
Then wash it down with a Pliny the Elder. I know, it says Fat Tire on the glass, but believe me, it wasn't...

Happy Birthday SPAM. Unfortunately for those of us who enjoy you, the odds of seeing 100 decrease with every bite of you we take!

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Waddling Around Stumptown: Where Did June Go?

Here are the numbers for June--not bad considering travel and the continuing effects of whooping cough...Bzzzzzzz-Bzzzzzz. I knew it. "Yallow." "Jackie-boy..." "How did I know it would be you, Professor?" "You learned from experience? Wait, I, Professor Javier Boleyn, author of my newest best seller, Steppin' Into Summer: A 2-Steppers Guide to A Bathin' Suit Body, is not ready to give you that credit."

"Droppin' your Gs there like a certain former Alaska Governor, aren't you?" "Hush if you know what's in your best interest." "WILCO. OK, so the month sure didn't start so hot, but look how I finished." "Exactly, Jackie-boy, let's look at how you finished."

 "And the map doesn't do me justice! I also walked in Wenatchee and Corvallis." "Yes, those are walks to be proud of, I'm sure. In Wenatchee you did manage to eke out 7 miles one day, but only 4 the next, counting waddling to an Italian ristorante for a not-exactly 2 Steppin' meal." "Well, at least I waddled." "True, but Corvallis, or Cortopia, as I call it, come on, Jackie-boy. You waddled down to meet Beluga Slim and you downed not one, but threee beers by Russian River." "You have a typo, there Professor." "It's emphasis, Jack, emphasis."

"But don't distract me. Last weekend, the Fridge-O-Cam (do I still have to write in here that the Fridge-O-Cam and all other technology is a registered trademark of Boleyn Enterprises, a Holy-Owned subsidiary of iSaint Steven?) spotted a growler of Pliny the Elder (that one belongs to Russian River Brewery, Santa Rosa, California, and no one will argue with that!) in your refrigerator and only one Pliny drinker in the house. The next day, the growler was reported empty by the Growlometer..." "GROWLOMETER?" "...Yes, of course. How else could Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD, and I monitor your intake?" "Whoan."

"I continue. Last night, at 11:30 PM, the month almost over, the LaCroix Living Room Monitor, recorded this scene.  Really. 11:45?" "What, Mittsy is wired?" "Actually, Mittsy is wireless, but as you know, if Mittsy doesn't have the technology, it's not worth having. But that's not the point. The point is, Jackie-boy, that even though the Scal-Email showed you up 1.5 pounds, you still chose a night cap. Really." "Yes, really. Frankly, Professor, I was having a good time and, well, the hell with it. I've changed. I'm back on my good behavior. I went for 2 walks today and..."

"And, you ate this at the Word of Mouth Neighborhood Bistro. A great way to start the month, Jackie-boy."