Sunday, September 30, 2012

Looking at LARD!: A Lousy Month

WTF doesn't stand for Waddling Towards Fitness this month! Travel takes a toll on habitual waddling, and I posted the worst numbers in a long time. I did waddle every day, but the lack of destination walking took a lot of the motivation and fun out of it. Good practice for the future when I may not have that destination--a 10+ round-trip to work...I can't imagine that the Professor won't be calling soon...

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Looking for Jackie-Boy: A NEOR Adventure

I climbed into my rig, fastened my belt, did a quick safety check, and started it up. The radio crackled and I heard "LaGrande Dispatch, Professor Javier Boleyn on Table Rock." Damn. "Professor, LaGrande Dispatch--long time no chat..." What, even LaGrande Dispatch knows him? "LaGrande, it has been a long time, but I'm on a mission. First, are you still 2-Stepping over there?" "You betcha. Let 'er Buck!" "Quaint. I'll send you a few copies of my new book, 2-Steppin' The Round-up: Lassoing LARD With Your Lariat." "Hey, that would be great, but I'll bet that's not why you're bouncing of our repeater this morning..." "Indeed. Have you heard from Jackie-boy this morning?" "No, but I expect him to call in shortly. Listen for..." "LaGrande, 763 on Bone Point." "Why there he is now. Why don't you all take it to Project. LaGrande clear."

"Professor Boleyn? What brings you to these parts? And how do you know LaGrande Dispatch?" "You bring me here, Jackie-boy, and the Professor knows everyone. But let me explain. You have been missing, Jackie-boy. The Star Cluster has been searching, but with little luck. There was a lead last week from Dania, the dear, but then we lost you again. No familiar visits to your favorite taverns, no images on the Sky Cams, the Tap Cams, or the Food iPod Cams..." "You mean He owns the food pods now?" "Do you have to ask, Jackie-boy?" But I digress. Why look at the map of your existence in Stumptown for the last month...WHAT IS UP?"


"Well, I never. I never thought I could lose you. Here's what I've been up to, though." "Why Jackie-boy, these walks are in Eastern Oregon and Washington. Eeew, what are you doing there?" "Assignment, Professor. I'm over here looking after some things that need looking after. I told you." "You did, but why  should I believe you? Like that Randall..." "Hey, what happened to Randall?" "I had to discharge him, the sniveling twit. He had the nerve to question the edits I made of his ghost writing. Really..." "Let 'er Buck!" "You aren't going native on me are you, Jackie-boy? Fiora mentioned some native behavior..."

"No, not at all." "Well, in reviewing archival images, I can see that you are doing something, but I don't know what that something is. The Sky Cluster Law Office Cam picked up an image of you and you look, well, "Cowboyed Up... And the Boleyn Enerprises Credit Cam has detected a startling number of restaurant meals lately and the maps I've been able to piece together show a half-hearted attempt at walking." "But I've been traveling, and traveling is hard..." "Save it, Jackie-boy. I expect more than a paltry 6 miles a day. I smell a relapse and it smells like a skunk to me. You'd better get hopping." "But I have to look after things..." "Can it. Boleyn clear."

"Whoan. OK, Professor, I'll get on it. Whoan..."

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Waddling Towards Fitness: Where Has The Summer Gone?

Where has the summer gone? Here are the numbers. I'm sure, at some point, Professor Javier Boleyn will find the time in his busy schedule to castigate me for not walking more during the beautiful, but hey, I've been busy.  And traveling. And numbers always seem to go down when I don't have the beautiful streets of Stumptown under my waddling wall of lard...

What are the numbers? 218.39 for the month; 1955.6 for the year. Yipes!

Oh, man, it's the blower. "Yallow." "Jackie-BOY, what in the name of Achilles' heel is going on, here? 218.39? For a month with no rain--just day after day of beautiful sun? Well? Well? I'm waiting, but not patiently, for whatever lame-ass excuse you have to offer..."