Sunday, October 24, 2010

War on LARD!: Has Gravity Changed or What?

I looked down. The lights on the scale flickered, then settled down. "Whew! I thought it was never going to happen! Another quarter-pail..." Dolly-girl called out as she walked by, "Way to go, Jack. Keep working at it. You'll get there sooner or later." "Wail! But I want it to be sooner!" She shot me one through the wave. "Why? Didn't you tell me this was the last time you were doing this? Do you want to get there sooner so you can go find all that LARD! you lost and slap it back on? Just get used to it, Jack, this is a life-long war against an insurgency. Remember how those civil rights workers fought for decades and never gave up..." Wail! She's right. What do I care how long it takes? I can't just get to the end and then start back up. Still, maybe I could have a piece of black licorice or a gelato...

She continued. "Give yourself a pat on what-used-to-be-your-gut, Jack. You're looking trim, well at least compared to the FatJack I knew and loved. And besides, you've been on the road talking with people that needed talking with and when you're bringing home the bacon it's hard to lose the LARD!" She's right, a usual. Ordering endless chicken Caesar salads isn't enough--I have to ask for dressing on the side. But if it's on the side is it really a Caesar salad? Of course, Caesar never tossed a chicken on his either.

She wasn't done. "And remember, you're back in the You-Ess-of-A where portions are delivered by dump trucks instead of garçons. When we were Over There, the feedbags were a lot smaller than they are over here and you didn't see many Dough-boys walking around if you get my drift." I did. Still more. "And, I was there to give you a shot through the wave when you might have been a tempted to have 'just one litttttllle piece of that lemon torte..." "Right again, Dolly-girl. I may have--no, I DID--eat gobs of guacamole that came with the world's best halibut taco at the Hangar on the Wharf Pub & Grill in Juneau, Alaska." She nodded and crossed her arms. Her toe tapped.

Bill, croon in my ear...LARD! is all around me... And other Bill, stay in the news so I see you all the time and be inspired. Keep me on the straight and narrow path, Bills!

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