Sunday, October 3, 2010

War on LARD!: Returning to Home Soil

Well, the War on LARD! has returned to its native soil, and not a moment to soon, apparently. The United States Government issued a warning today, stating "U.S. citizens should take every precaution to be aware of their surroundings and to adopt appropriate safety measures to protect themselves when traveling." Obviously, they are taking note of the intelligence I gathered on the ready availability of Weapons of Mass Accumulation (WMA) in the nation of France.

Remember this one, for instance? Roti-Poulet, spit-broiled chicken with potatoes roasted in the drippings. A WMA if I've ever seen one. I suspect that Secretary Clinton is keenly aware of the potential of this threat given that President Bill Clinton is a key talisman in Jack's War on LARD! While I have not been directly in contact with Madam Secretary, I have noted visitors to the War on LARD! War Room from Our Nation's Capital.

However, even in the face of this heightened alert, I'm pleased to report continued progress in the War on LARD! Through vigilance and, if I say so myself, discipline (note the plate to the left with evidence of a) a fish that was not fried and b) left-over rice), I arrived home having lost an additional 2 pints of LARD! since the last update. I will point out that the United States Government is calling for exactly those precautions for travelers, well at least one of them, according to USA Today, which must be a respected news source since it is passed out for free in almost every hotel in the USA: "The Obama administration on Sunday warned Americans ... and urged them to be vigilant in public places, including tourist spots and transportation hubs."

D'Mestiere Investigations recently discovered (and passed the intel, as we call it, on) that tourist spots and transportation hubs are known depots for WMAs. The safety measures referred to, I assume, mean increased dosages of Lipator®. ("Talk to your doctor about high cholesterol and your treatment options. And ask if LIPITOR is right for you.") Oh, and if you eat desserts for more than 4 hours straight, seek immediate medical attention.

As a scientist, I cannot rule out divine intervention as a result of visits to Sacre Coeur and Lourdes, however, a benevolent God would just lift the LARD! and have it done with, wouldn't he? Well, maybe there's that whole suffering thing. I do keep waiting for a sign, such as the appearance of dietary stigmata, which I expect would be small holes in my gut that leak a constant, albeit small, quantity of liquefied LARD!

But, in the spirit of full disclosure (the scientist) and fervent confession (still hoping for the LARD!-mata), I did succumb to the siren song of Roti-Poulet. In fact, I made a last minute, afternoon trip to Paris when Dolly-girl was sick. "I'll pick up some dinner, don't you worry your hacking-little-head." That got me a whoan (a simultaneous whine and moan) under the wave. Well, sir, it was that Roti-Poulet whispering in my ear..."C'est votre dernière chance."

The last look at Paris was worth it, but the Roti-Poulet was just a siren trying to lead me to the rocks. No dice!

1 comment:

Fitness Freak said...

Never thought of food items can be used as WMA. But anyway as long as we eat and enjoy the food no problem or worries.