Friday, December 31, 2010

End of the Year and 1 Pound Short!

As readers of my musings know, I believe it takes 7 steps to accomplish anything. Of course, Professor Javier Boleyn has proven me wrong with regard to the process of removing LARD! from one's body: that requires only the 2 steps that he preaches in his latest book, Body by Boleyn: 2 Steps to Letting Vanity Be Thy Name!

However, not withstanding the 2 Step Diet, for the last 5 months, on every day that I was able, I followed 7 Steps to Assessment:
1. Pull scale away from the wall.
2. Take off clothes.
3. Tap scale with toe to activate.
4. Wait for three zeros to appear on the display.
5. Suck in everything to assume the skinniest possible pose.
6. Close eyes and step on scale. Mutter a quick prayer to the anti-LARD!
7. Open eyes, observe result

Today was no exception. Damn, 1 pound short of a pail-and-a-half! But, even though I'm tremendously disappointed at not being able to post the much-sought-after one-and-a-half pail icon, I am determined to continue. My goal? Six-and-a-half more pounds by the time I have an appointment with Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD at the end of January. She will look at me, look at her laptop screen, look back at me, look back at the laptop, then she will put her hands on the table and smile a Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD smile and say, "Well, you have really lost some weight! Great! [Aside to herself, I don't know why he didn't take my medical advice 3 years ago] You must feel a lot better!" At which point, I, Jack D'Mestiere, will look at her and say, "I didn't feel bad before Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD, this is all about vanity! Haven't you read Professor Javier Boleyn?" Then I will wink. Then Ryman is sitting on Fiora's head in the bed and she's telling me I have to get up and feed the damned cat. Poof! The dream always ends at the same place. I wonder what will happen? Will Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD declare me Patient of the Year and award me a blue ribbon? I'd rather have a Tricerahops...but that would earn me a "Tsk Tsk."

LARD! is all around me, it's everywhere I go...

I'll tell you, it's not been easy this past month what with one party after another. And it's not going to be any easier this next month. So, even though the War on LARD! has become either trench warfare on the Western Front, or winter on the Eastern, I'm determined to see it through to its full 2-pail promise. This is the time, the time, I say, to stare LARD! in the face and watch it melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West! Bills, do your magic for me please!

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