Sunday, February 27, 2011

Dispatch from the Beluga Slim Fitness Center: Waddling Through February

The blower sparked. Dolly-girl was right on it seeing as how she'd been talking Long Distance to Inebriata Beech about this and that. "Yallow. Yep. Yep. And a howdy-do right back at you. Hold the line. I'll get him. JACK, it's Professor Javier Boleyn--he wants to talk to you." Jeesh, this could only be bad news for me.

"I'm with you, Professor, Jack D'Mestiere here. In the flesh..." I knew I shouldn't have said it as soon as I heard me say it. Talk about stepping into it.

"Yes, and still too much flesh, Jackie-boy. But we'll get to that shortly."

"Are you near a computer, LARD!-butt--I mean Jackie-boy?" "I am, Professor." "Good, log in to your personal page at" "I have a personal page?" "Of course, Jackie-boy. I provide all the latest expected services, even though people don't need them, nor do they use them once they have them. Are you there?" "It's asking me for a UserID and password." "Jackieboy, no hyphen, and LARDbGONE, all caps except the b." "OK, I'm there. Wow, what's that map?" "That, Jackie-boy, is a plot of all the walking you did in February--well, it doesn't show two walks while you were on travel, but they were insubstantial. I must say, Jackie-boy, you walked a lot this month. 98.02 miles, to be exact! Congratulations, you really did 'Move More', one of the two critical steps."

"Wow, Professor, how do you do this?" "Space age technology, my child. I know your every movement thanks to the Transpond-r-Nuts (® Boleyn Enterprises) that I have Fiora slip into the bag of tamari almonds you keep at hand. Thankfully, you generally gobble them down so quickly you don't bother to chew--molars can be harsh on the little gadgets. Yes, Jackie-boy, the Boleyn's-Eye-View (® Boleyn Enterprises) satellite cluster records your location, pin-pointed by GPS and maps it using a patented Google Earth (® Google, Inc.) based application, Where's My LARD! (® Boleyn Enterprises). I see you waddled by a freezing fountain at NW 10th and Everett--isn't that the Lawrence Gallery (© Lawrence Gallery)? That's a coincidence..."

He continued, "Now, speaking of LARD!, how goes it? You're still looking a bit like a fluffed up gull on a cold day." "Well, I, er, I, um, er, I lost about 5 pounds of LARD! in February." I waited for the inevitable... "Well, I echo the words of Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD, Jackie-boy. Good Start. Keep it up. You'll get there. And, by the way, now's a good time to pay your monthly membership fee. I accept PayPal (Copyright © 1999-2011 PayPal. All rights reserved.) at

"Oh, by the way, your Cap-Corder (® Boleyn Enterprises) recorded this little number while documenting a distinct increase in the pace of your waddle. Care to enlighten me?" "First glimpse of Radio Room (®©™ Radio Room), of course." "Groan. Keep it up LARD!-ass. I'll be calling again soon."

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