That's some progress you made, Jackie-boy

 "Oh, gawd," I thought to myself as I saw an alert pop up for the Boleyn-O-Sphere. I'd hoped I was safe by not downloading the app, TooTwo, Professor Javier Boleyn's social media platform. It's only been around for a year or so, but it already is harassing more people than Donald Trump on UNTRUTH ASOCIAL

As Harry Truman said about Richard Nixon, "Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in. ” Truman would be amazed today...

Anyhoo, this alert pops up telling me I have a message in TooTwo, which I didn't even know I had on my blower. I open it up and it's an "Oh, no, Jackie-boy alert." Whoa. There's a link. I know better, but I click it.

"Jack, six, not five--the minimum number needed to issue an alert--22s (that's how we shorten it in the BOS..." "Like 31 down, 'AL East team on scoreboard'?...  "Boleyn-O-Sphere, Jack. Don't interrupt, it's rude. 22s because we're straight shooters."

"Anyway, or 'anyhoo' as you so quaintly say, the 22s automatically trigger Professor Psychic and its constellation of BOSCAMs--those are not traffic cameras in Boston, by the way--a network far more advanced than what's-his-name's pitiful StarLink system." "GulpWhoan" comes out of me without me even knowing it was coming.

"OK, Prof, I take it one of these BOSCAMs may have been somewhere on Alberta Street this morning?" "You can do better than that, Jackie-boy." "OK, RJ Skillets?" "Well, it starts before that. The BOSCAMs record a day's activity. It seems about midnight, you may have transgressed." "Wait, you mean there's aa BOSCAM in my house?" "We don't reveal locations or the technology that might be involved. Think x-ray vision, but more advanced.

"Continuing, after the 22s triggered an alert, Professor Psychic located you as you were about to dip into the green chili brisket omelette...

"Do you deny eating it?" "The just put it in front of me. I had to. You see...earp."

"So you did eat it! Of course we knew that as Professor Psychic was estimating your weight every 30 seconds." 

"Earp."

I told you it wouldn't be long...

 Minding my own business, reading the latest offering from The Krug--how things have changed about the way a gumshoe keeps up with the news these days. I was sayin' to Dolly-girl just the other day, "Maybe I need to get one of them StackSubs for D'Mestiere Investigations."

"It's not a StackSub, Jack--you've been spending too much time hanging out around that sandwich shop. you discovered in the Pearl District. It's SubStack, an online publishing platform and more. And you need that, well, like my cousin Gaylord needs more streets named after him." "Well, can you have too many..." "Don't go there, Jack!"

Turn's out I couldn't go there because my blower lit up like the Xmas display on 32nd Ave. A sinking feeling preceded my Titanic fear that I knew what the who's-it on the old buzzbox was going to say.

"Well, Jackie-boy, the Boleyn Megacluster informs me that you have emerged from what seems to be an almost six year hibernation. Unfortunately, Professor Psychic, Boleyn Enterprises's newest venture, and, I say modestly, the world's best best in generative AI, tells me--literally spoke to me--that in all likelihood, you are the only animal ever to leave such a long hibernation having gained weight!"

"Whoan. You just gotta understand, professor, these have been tough years. First the pandemic. Then, well, you know, recovery from the pandemic. Then the fall-off in business due to all the happiness related to January 20, 2021. Celebration means food and drink, right?" "Go on, Jack." He wasn't buying it. "Then there was the inflation..." "Clearly you interpreted the word incorrectly, Jack." "...and then that orange turd got re-elected. What's a fella to do?"

"Jack, this requires a new approach to 2-Stepping. I have had Professor Psychic place an emergency order for my new book: When 2 Steps Won't Do It: How To Do 2 Times 10 to the Fourth Steps A Day."

Whoan. This isn't the last I've heard on this subject. I'll bet you my Aunt Ada's adenoids...

Well, it's been a while

Not much has happened since January 16, 2020. A pandemic, a couple presidential elections—one good, one bad. I guess it's time to get Jack back online 

Lets's just say the years haven't been winners in the War on Lard! You can bet Jackie-boy will be getting a call soon...