That's some progress you made, Jackie-boy

 "Oh, gawd," I thought to myself as I saw an alert pop up for the Boleyn-O-Sphere. I'd hoped I was safe by not downloading the app, TooTwo, Professor Javier Boleyn's social media platform. It's only been around for a year or so, but it already is harassing more people than Donald Trump on UNTRUTH ASOCIAL

As Harry Truman said about Richard Nixon, "Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in. ” Truman would be amazed today...

Anyhoo, this alert pops up telling me I have a message in TooTwo, which I didn't even know I had on my blower. I open it up and it's an "Oh, no, Jackie-boy alert." Whoa. There's a link. I know better, but I click it.

"Jack, six, not five--the minimum number needed to issue an alert--22s (that's how we shorten it in the BOS..." "Like 31 down, 'AL East team on scoreboard'?...  "Boleyn-O-Sphere, Jack. Don't interrupt, it's rude. 22s because we're straight shooters."

"Anyway, or 'anyhoo' as you so quaintly say, the 22s automatically trigger Professor Psychic and its constellation of BOSCAMs--those are not traffic cameras in Boston, by the way--a network far more advanced than what's-his-name's pitiful StarLink system." "GulpWhoan" comes out of me without me even knowing it was coming.

"OK, Prof, I take it one of these BOSCAMs may have been somewhere on Alberta Street this morning?" "You can do better than that, Jackie-boy." "OK, RJ Skillets?" "Well, it starts before that. The BOSCAMs record a day's activity. It seems about midnight, you may have transgressed." "Wait, you mean there's aa BOSCAM in my house?" "We don't reveal locations or the technology that might be involved. Think x-ray vision, but more advanced.

"Continuing, after the 22s triggered an alert, Professor Psychic located you as you were about to dip into the green chili brisket omelette...

"Do you deny eating it?" "The just put it in front of me. I had to. You see...earp."

"So you did eat it! Of course we knew that as Professor Psychic was estimating your weight every 30 seconds." 

"Earp."