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"Damn, Dolly-girl, will this infernal rain ever stop falling out of the sky? I need to get shank's mare out of here and get my exercise in." "Chill, Jack. There will be a break. I'm sure Ms. Shank will get you to whatever watering hole has Sunday Services with a minister to your taste..." The blower sparked. "Get it, will you Jack? I'm doing my nails, and I don't mean toe or finger..." She was right, she'd been working down cellar for months now doing this or that related to a do-me-over that Dania and Cuco were ramrodding. She was reaching a breaker point...
Pictured below: Dick Cheney's heart
"Yallow, D'Mestiere Investigations, now proudly offering Microbial, Chemical, and Psychological services..." "Jackie-boy, how are you?" Gulp. It had been 3 months since I heard from Professor Javier Boleyn. I'd thought I'd shook him off my tail. Given him the slip, so to speak. "Yes, Jackie-boy, it is I, Professor Javier Boleyn (
® iSaint Steven Enterprises). You have not given me the slip, although there's still enough LARD! on your body to facilitate the move." "What's that little writing after your name, Professor?" "I, being a hotly-sought-after commodity, have licensed myself to Saint Steve Jobs, but never-you-mind. For all intents and purposes, our relationship has not changed although you will notice that my fees have increased to account for Steve's--I'm allowed to call him that--share." "But, he's dead." "Ha! And Dick Cheney (
® Prince of Darkness) doesn't have a new lump of coal beating in his chest!"
"Well, Professor, since it's been so long..." "Jackie-boy, you have completed one quarter of Two-Stepping Surveillance, the patented program under which I wait and watch to see if you have transformed memory in the Generative Spiral Model." "Hey, isn't that one of those catchy organization models used by top-notch firms such as Dialogos (® iDialogos, a holy-owned subsidiary of iSaint Steven Enterprises)." "Yes, it is. They got it from me and I've now adapted it to apply to your LARD!-Laden body."
"OK, I'm ready for my report card. But first, what have you been up to instead of pestering me?" "Well, Jackie-boy, I have to say that I was having to spend an inordinate amount of time on you. With a reduced commitment (although not a reduced fee structure), I was able to publish a number of new books, including a geographic trilogy,
LA Sorely: The First 2-Steps in SOCAL,
The Eats of San Francisco: 2-Stepping to the Top of Nob Hill,
Pike Street Pas de Deux: Seattle, the Professor Javier Boleyn Way, and my latest memoir,
The First 12 Steps: 6 Years of 2-Stepping with PJB." "PJB?" "Professor Jav..." "I get it." I'm now working on a new epic in the spirit of
War and Peace. It's called: два шага танца в степи: Дайте борщ отказов. It loosely translates as
Give Borscht the Bounce: A 2-Step Dance for the Steppes."
"Well, Professor, as you know, I've been incredibly busy with a number of activities related to a construction project. We are putting in a guest suite. In fact, you are more than welcome to..." "Oh, PULLEASSE, the good
Professor does not stay in basements..." "Just offering. In case you are ever slumming. Anyway, that's taken a lot of time. And then there's my Rex Parker hobby. And my Waddling Towards Fitness, both the actual waddling and the blog.
Look at this sign I saw while I was out walking. I thought you would enjoy it." "If there's one thing I do not enjoy, Jackie-boy, it's grammatical incompetence!"
"Enough of your excuses. Talk all you want, Jackie-boy. As you know, the
Sky Cluster never sleeps. You can tell me any story you like. I've heard them all. But the truth will out, my friend." "But, Professor, I can't live a punitive life..." "Why not, it works for Republicans." "But I'm not one of them. I gotta be me." "You're laying yourself open for a phone call from ASCAP, there Jackie-boy..."
(© Alex Morgan Bell, for real)
" Jack, the
iScale Email continue to pour in..." "
iScale? I don't have a new scale." "Oh, yes you do. Remember that new, what do you call it, 'blower', that Fiora has and you love to carry on weekends when she gives you custody? Well, thanks to
iStSJ, that's you-know-who, I am able to obtain your weight without you standing on anything. Something called an app." "Uh oh.
Wail!" "Indeed. The app reports that you have, for one brief moment, touched a total loss of 3 buckets of LARD!, but that you have not been able to maintain that loss." "It's true, Professor, I've leveled off and stabilized a few pounds above that. I'm at 96.6667% of three buckets." "Wipe that smile off your face, Jackie-boy. Four decimals are for people who make excuses. You probably believe that
ridiculous theory that .999 repeating equals 1. I know what's happening because our Quantitative Services Division, in collaboration with image interpretation specialists from the
Sky Cluster, has calculated that
ds/dt>0. S is defined as
f(
Σ(F x O)) where F=Finn Crisp and O=olives." "What the what? (
© Tina Fey)" "It means you are snacking more, Jackie.""Here is what you've really been up to, organized by LARD!-Laden Category.
"Let's see. Under the category of 'Food', I think we can feature, in no particular order, Olympic Provision, Gilt Club--good name for a restaurant there, eh?--Horse Brass, Mash Tun, Radio Room, Thai Noon, Al Forno Ferruzza, Andina, Good Neighbor, Hot Lips, Pastini, Rock Bottom, and
the Third Avenue Sausage Cart! My
God, Jack!" "I can explain." "You may not! I'm talking here. What the heck business do you have being in the same room with that thing to the left? Cream, chocolate, and a cookie?"
"Jack, did you tell Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD about this consumptive behavior?" "Well, I told her that I had changed my life-style and that I was exercising and eating healthy foods." "And she bought it? I guess she isn't following the
Sky Cam reports." "She gets them?" "Of course, Portland Family Medicine, owned by--go ahead, fill in the blank...She did send me a picture of
you taken by the Hazardous-Sharps-Collection-Box-Cam (
® Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD). She invented that but
iStSJE hasn't exercised its option yet."
"OK, enough of that. It makes me want to belch. Let's move on to the category of 'Drink'. Jackie-boy, are you under the impression that 'Drink' is good for you or something?" "Well, you are supposed to drink 8 glasses..." "Of water, Jack. Bull Run as you like to call it quaintly. That's not what's pouring down your gullet, Jack." "Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD mentioned that too. I thought she was just concerned about my health."
"Health, schmelth. It's LARD!-Laden, Jackie-boy. Think of the caloric content. Think of it, why, doesn't your lovely daughter, Anna-Maria remind you of that?" "She does." "By the way, I'm quite proud of the manner in which she has taken to
2-Stepping. A model client to my way of thinking. She pays attention to my advice, she RUNS instead of waddling like her father, and guilt is such an effective tool with her..." "You noticed." "I notice everything, Jackie-boy."
"So, let's review three months. I think you'll discover a trend. I could bring up the whole .999 repeating thing again, but I won't." "Thank you, Professor. Whoan."
"And finally, Jackie-boy, what the hell is this?" "Where did you get that picture?" "I have my operatives, Jack. People who take heart health seriously. People who report things to me like Velveeta Dip with SPAM Crumbles and Frito Scoops (
combination of the three ® Prince of Darkness)."
"Get serious, Jackie-boy. Your War on LARD! isn't over yet. Now get that 3.3333333%!"
"Whoan."
B-zzzzz, Bzzz, Bzzz. "Dolly-girl, someone's at the door and I'm right in the middle of a Rex Parker that's vexing me no end. Could you get the door?" "OK, but since when did you, Jack D'Mestiere, start using words like 'vexing'? Oh, that's right, you are channeling Rex right now. You'll be back to 'tying my bean up tighter than a steer on branding day' in no time..." "I'll tell you, a guy just can't win. Hmmm, 9 letter word for 'perplexed', starts with B-E-F..."
"Jack, it was the postman. He brought you a package. It's from Dania Inebriata-Beech!" "I thought she was down singing Swanee River with her sister. I know she was because Cuco was calling me on your pocket blower telling me he was pining for her while he was trying to keep Bambi out of his orchard. I suggested..." "You didn't tell him to put Bambi on the hot lead express, did you?" "You bet I did. I was down at the watering hole at the time. Told him I'd lend him my heater to do it. Or, I know some guys..." "Go back to the puzzle, Jack. Quit befuddling me." "That's it! Thanks, Dolly-girl!" "Honestly, Jack. If you could see yourself through other's eyes. I mean, sitting in a public place talking about putting Bambi on the HLE could get you in trouble in some parts of Stumptown." "Yeah, but not ours..."
"Enough already. What's in the package? I"m dying to see. I love packages. Why wasn't it for me? I want a package..." "Quit your yammering, Dolly-girl, this is one christmas-morning that was meant for me if there ever was one!" 'Lard Have Mercy' That's great! Must be a joint Dania found while she was beating her feet on the Mississippi mud." 
