[singsong] Do-do-do-do-do; do-do-do-do-do-do. "What tha? It says Professor Javier Boleyn wants to have a video chat?""Professor?" "Jackie-boy, glad I caught you in." "Professor, I never expected..." "Never expect anything from me, Jack. However, I sense my reputation is at stake and I must intervene." "How so, Professor? Didn't you see the wonderful results of my visit to Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD?" Indeed, I did, Jackie-boy. That's why I'm calling. I can assure you that whatever mild encouragement the good doctor offered, you have exceeded its intention."
"Well, wait just a goll-durned minute here, Professor..." "No, you wait, Jackie-boy. What did you have for dinner on Friday after your visit to the good doctor?" "
Pasta." "And?" "And nothing. Pasta. Not much of it and one 
serving." "And...a mote of bread, Jack. The dining room cam recorded it." "Dining room cam?" "Seems that you had a Coffee Crisp as well." "It is the world's best candy bar...light and crispy, coffee and chocolate..." The professor's stern look was not lost in the video chat box.
"And, after grocery shopping at New Seasons on Saturday--by the way, your choices were healthy, although I question the case of wine--the Traffic Cam on Alberta and 27th detected you walking west on Alberta. Did you go to the Radio Room?" "I certainly did not..." "No, that's correct. You went to Mash Tun instead." "OK, so I stopped for a pint." "And?" "And nothing." "If you call nothing, a pint of Total Domination, a taster of FaLaLa, and a glass of the same." "Wha?..." "Tap Cam, Jackie-boy, the Tap Cam recorded it all."
He continued. "The Kitchen Cam recorded the following two scenes later yesterday afternoon. I believe that is your hand holding an olive corn chip..." "I had one...er, two. They're good. Wail!" "And that is clearly your ring finger wrapped around a bottle of Celebration." "Wail! Is there no escaping you?"
"Jackie-boy, Professor Javier Boleyn did not attain his stature by running a lax organization. My reputation is at stake at every turn. It is incumbent upon me to monitor those who accept the 2-Step DUH! Diet as their life style. It's far too easy for some slacker to start claiming that my method doesn't work, so I have an individualized monitoring program for each and every 2-Stepper. For instance, the Boleyn's-Eye-View Cam--that's what I call my patented satellite surveillance system--caught you at 16th and Klickitat on your waddle. Good pace, by the way, you worked up quite a sweat." "And how do you know that?" "The perspiration detection nanofibers in your Kielbasa Festival T-Shirt uploaded to the Boleyn Star Cluster--those are my satellites." "Wail!"
"So let's get back to the matter at hand, Jackie-boy. Last evening, the D'Mestiere Tracking Module recorded you entering and leaving the Portland City Grill..." "Dolly-girl and I went for a drink..." "Yes, you had a martini with, I believe, 4 olives, although it's not clear from the bar cam. Fiora had white wine." "Well, there's a tough guess." "Don't get snippy, Jack. It was a sauvignon blanc, New Zealand, if the system is working..."
"You were next spotted waddling into Little Bird, a hip new bistro on 6th. Really, Jackie-boy, walking right in front of the TriMet bus stop cam? You make my job so easy...I continue. The salt-shaker-cam recorded a pork chop with cabbage galette, and a bacon apple relish." "It was delicious." "So I hear. And, white beans and parslied ham salad." "Wait, I split whose with Dolly-girl!" "Yes, I'll give you that." "How do you know?" "After-action report filed by the waitress. Did you really have to pick up the chop bone and gnaw on it, Jackie-boy?" "It was good. I didn't have dessert, though." "Define dessert, Jack. In the 2-Step DUH! Diet, cognac clearly falls in the dessert column." "Wail!"
"Continuing along, as I must do, in spite of your mournful wailing, the Cup & Saucer Cam reported that you and Fiora, possibly accompanied by the Kavanaghs--they are a marvelously trim couple, Jack; I'm glad to see you in their company as perhaps their habits will rub off; I understand they are joining a gym--entered the fabled breakfast, how do you call it?--Joint--and left about 90 minutes later. That's 90 minutes of trouble for you, Jackie-boy." "Wail!"
"I will spare no effort to assure that you do not spoil my reputation with what can only be described as a 'Relax=Relapse Moment', Jackie-boy. That's why I am sending you, at no additional charge, a copy of my latest book: Trundle On: Tales of 2-Step Dieters, personally autographed by my assistant, but with my name."
With that, Professor Javier Boleyn ended the chat and left me to my own wailing. What could I do but head out, waddling towards who knows what. Back to the front in the War on LARD!, but now knowing that my every move is watched and recorded. I'm sure the Radio Room fire pit cam caught me looking longingly as I walked by, but I walked by, determined to soldier on. Wail!
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