Saturday, August 14, 2010

War on LARD Update

People ask me, "Jack, how do you do it?" I'm happy to share. Readers of my other blog will recall Javier Boleyn, a pal-o-Dolly-girl's and mine that we take in the Bard from time-to-time with. Well, Javier has kept himself slim and trim all these years. I asked him for his secret.

"Jackie-boy," he calls me Jackie-boy to go along with Dolly-girl, "I'll tell you how I do it. I call it the 2-Step DUH! Diet. It's copyrighted, by the way. It used to be a 1-Step Diet, but nothing will sell that has just one step, so I changed it to 2-Step.

"Now I'm going to tell you the 2-Step DUH! Diet, Jackie-boy, so listen close." I did.

"Step 1: Eat Less." "Easy enough," I thought, but then realized that eating less meant, well, eating less. "OK, I'm ready for Step 2."

"Step 2: Move more." I groaned. "That's it," he said. "Guaranteed to work."

Damn, I knew there was a catch. I thought through the steps again, turning them over and over. I tried to turn Javier's DUH! Diet into 7 Steps--I like things to have 7 steps. I couldn't make it work. There was a paradox. My entire exercise program consists of either waddling to the kitchen to get seconds and thirds or waddling to and from great Stumptown eateries, as all of you who read my other blog know I like to do. "How is it that I am supposed to effectuate both steps?" I asked.

"Simple, Jackie-boy, simple." Javier was about to explain. "Whilst reducing one's intake, one has to increase one's non-food related exercise. I, myself, took up hiking in the mountains. Why just today, upon completing a 17 and one-quarter mile hike before breakfast, I settled down at my table and enjoyed my usual morning repast of a Finn Crisp and half of a grape. That should hold me through my morning calisthenics routine."

Oh boy, this is going to be tougher than I thought. DUH!

Since last I wrote I've lost another 2 and a half pints bringing the total to 9.4 pints or 1.16 gallons. I need to lose another 6 and 3/4 pints to earn my second quarter pail on the LARD-o-Meter. I'm am, however, half way to my goal of losing 15 pounds of LARD before leaving for France on September 6. It's going to be a challenge--I have a lot of business travel between now and then, so I guess it will have to be eternal vigilance and salad.

No comments: